


Rey's Personal Library

by octavia74



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Begging, Cheating, Dirty Talk, Emotional, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Face-Sitting, Happy Ending, Loss of Virginity, Snowed In
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-01
Updated: 2020-07-06
Packaged: 2021-03-05 00:26:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 8
Words: 30,127
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25015429
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/octavia74/pseuds/octavia74
Summary: Rey gets lost exploring her friend Jessika's mansion and stumbles upon Jessika's step brother, Ben. They are drawn to each other but Ben says they can't be together. This is the story of their relationship through the years.(Rey is 16 and Ben is 18 in the first few chapters. Everything is consensual.)
Relationships: Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 61
Kudos: 305





	1. The First Time

The first time it happens, it’s because Rey is obsessed with books, and also it’s because Rey can’t sleep. She’s not  _ scared _ , she just really isn’t a big fan of scary movies, and Jessika insisted they watch one because it’s a “sleep-over tradition”. Every time she shuts her eyes, she sees that nightmare monster who stole children away from their parents. So, instead of closing her eyes, she explores the Pavas’ house, and there is plenty to explore. The house is a modern build but designed after the colonial style. It has two kitchens, eight bedrooms, and its very own movie theatre, which is where Rey and Jessika were supposed to fall asleep. The polished wood floors and shining sliver of the chandeliers glow in the moonlight that streams in through the floor-to-ceiling windows. Everything looks washed out and ghostly in the dimness, and Rey can’t think of a more beautiful place she’s ever seen.

The master bedroom, in which Jess’s parents sleep, is over the south wing of the house, so Rey heads to the north wing as she continues her exploration upstairs. The bedrooms are all tidy and welcoming, as if the Pavas are expecting a hoard of visitors to arrive tomorrow. The bathrooms are spotless; the sitting rooms, perfectly ordered. What Rey wouldn’t give to live here, instead of the trailer park with her foster father. Since Jessika found out where Rey lived, she’s been inviting Rey to her house more and more, culminating in this sleep-over. Rey can’t really complain, even if it seems like Jessika keeps her around out of pity. She would give anything just to spend a few more hours in this beautiful house. 

Her examination of the second floor of the north wing complete, Rey climbs the next staircase to the third and final floor of the house. Jess did not bring Rey up here on her tour of the house she gave when Rey first visited, so Rey is even more curious to see this floor than she was the others. 

The hallway is narrower than below, and the ceiling is lower. It’s more comforting than the grandness she found below. The rooms could be bedrooms, but they are clearly used for storage. Boxes upon boxes of stuff fills them. Rey has never seen so much stuff, unneeded and unused, anywhere except Plutt’s junkyard, and there at least it was all useless. The things in these rooms, however, are mostly brand new. Rey can’t believe this. She pushes open one of the last doors in the hall, expecting to find more boxes, but happens across a bedroom. A lamp is lit on a desk facing a large window; light falls across a bed that looks recently vacated. The ceiling sweeps diagonally down with the roof so that Rey would have to crouch if she wanted to stand in front of the bookshelf pushed up against the right wall. 

It’s clear this is someone’s bedroom, probably Jessika’s brother, and it’s clear that that person will probably be back shortly, but Rey can never resist a bookshelf. She does indeed have to stoop a little to examine the books, shelves and shelves of them, stretching the length of the whole wall. Classics like  _ Jane Eyre, Crime and Punishment, War and Peace _ . Science fiction like  _ Ender’s Game, Fahrenheit 451, Slaughterhouse 5 _ . Rey sees  _ 1984, Dune, Lord of the Rings, Persuasion, Something Wicked This Way Comes, Once and Future King _ . Titles and titles, books she’s read, books she wants to read, books she’s never heard of but, given the owner’s taste, she’s pretty sure she’d like. She’s so enthawled, she doesn’t notice the door of the room being pushed open and a figure entering. 

He, on the other hand, notices her. He stares at her back for a moment before saying, “What the  _ fuck  _ are you doing in my room?”

Rey whips around to find a tall, dark haired boy blocking her way out of the room. She’s never met him, but he must be Jess’s step-brother, Ben. “I was just looking at your books,” Rey blurts out. 

“No shit,” he growls at her. “Who are you?”

“Rey, Jessika’s friend.”

“Oh, yeah. The one sleeping over. Aren’t you supposed to be in the theatre?”

“I couldn’t sleep,” Rey tells him truthfully, hoping he’ll just let her go back downstairs. “I’m sorry that I intruded, I was just… looking at the house.” 

He stares at her so intensely she feels like he must be trying to see the back of her skull through her eyes. “The house,” he repeats. “Aren’t you supposed to live in a shack or something? Never seen a house before?”

Rey can be small and timid. She’s learned that sometimes, being unseen is the safest way to be. She can also be brave and rough, and she knows how to defend herself. Her hackles raise, but she keeps herself slightly in check. “I don’t live in a shack,” she spits out at him. “I know what a fucking house is, thank you. Now, I’m sorry I barged into your room, but if you’d please get out of my way, I’ll leave.”

He smiles at her, a harsh, teasing smile, “hmm, no I don’t think I will.”

“What?”

“I don’t think I will get out of your way.”

Her hackles are all the way up now. She balls her hands into fists, “Look, you pathetic excuse for a person, I’m going back downstairs, so get the fuck out of my way before I - “

He laughs at her, an open mouth, genuine laugh that catches Rey off guard, “Or what? You gonna to punch me? What do you weigh? Like a hundred pounds?”

Rey does swing at him. She’s had to punch guys before, and sure they were smaller than this one, but she aims well and knows how to throw her whole weight behind her fist. She is not ready, however, for him to block her punch, grab her arm, and swing her around so that her back crashes against his chest and his arm holds around her neck, keeping her locked, all in one steady movement. 

“You  _ are  _ going to punch me!” he laughs into her ear. “Damn girl, you’re a fighter.”

“Let go of me!” Rey hisses, trying to kick him behind her with her free legs. 

“Look, I’ll let go of you, alright? Stop freaking out, I’m not going to hurt you.”

He does let go of her, and she springs around to face him, her hands up in case she has to (try to) hit him again. He just stands there with an amused expression playing across his face. 

“You come into my room at 2 o’clock in the morning, call me a ‘pathetic waste of a human’, and try to hit me?” he’s still smiling. 

Rey is breathing heavy, all her nerves are on high alert, but she’s able to get out, “I called you a pathetic excuse for a person.”

At this, he throws his head back in laughter, “That’s right!”

“Now will you get out of my way?” Rey asks.

“Look, I’m sorry I said you grew up in a shack, alright?” his eyes twinkle at her as he spreads his hands out in front of him to show surrender. “I actually grew up in… well, it was pretty much a cave so I don’t have any room to judge.”

“A cave?” Rey can’t stop herself from asking. 

“Yeah, my dad used to have to hide out in these caves in the Ozarks. My mom and I would go visit him and bring him food and stuff.”

“Oh.”

“So I’m sorry I said that. Do you forgive me?” he smiles kindly at her. He’s quite nice looking when he smiles. His eyes crinkle and his dimples show. 

“Do you forgive me for sneaking into your room, calling you names, and attempting to punch you?”

“Hmm, I suppose so.”

“Then I guess I can let this one slide,” Rey drops her hands and smiles at him. 

“Do you want to borrow a book?”

“What?” Rey is sure she didn’t hear him right.

“A book. I have a lot and you seemed interested. You can take any of them, but you have to promise to bring them back.”

“I’d - I’d love to,” Rey stammers as she follows him back to the bookshelf. “Which one should I read?”

“Have you read  _ To Kill a Mockingbird _ ?”

“No, who’s the author?”

“Harper Lee. It’s one of the best books ever written. The movie’s actually really good as well,” he reaches past her and pulls down a faded paperback that looks like it’s been read dozens of times. “This used to be my mom’s,” he tells her. 

“I can’t take it then,” Rey insists. She can’t imagine handing over something that once belonged to her parents. She can’t really imagine having something that belonged to her parents. 

“No worries, she won’t miss it. She’s too busy with dick-for-brains,” he shoves the book into Rey’s hands. 

“Dick-for-brains? Is that Jessika’s dad?”

“Mmhm, that’s what I call him, ‘cause he’s a dick and he doesn’t have any brains.”

“Thank you,” Rey examines the book. It might have once been pale purple, but now it’s faded to ivory. There is a small black bird flying by a tree on the front cover. 

“A peace offering,” he says, and Rey is suddenly conscious that he is standing quite close to her. He towers over her like a tree. “I’m Ben, by the way.”

“Rey,” she says, looking up into his face. 

“You said that.”

“Sorry.”

“That’s okay,” he smiles at her again. Then he puts his hand on her forearm. It’s soft and warm. Rey just looks at it. “What’s your favorite book?” he asks her, as if they aren’t touching. 

“A Wrinkle in Time,” she tells him. 

“That’s a good one,” and then he’s kissing her, gently. His hand has moved from her arm to her waist. 

Rey’s never kissed anyone before. She stiffens and he pulls away from her. “I’m sorry,” she whispers. 

“No,  _ I’m _ sorry. I didn’t mean to…”

“I was just surprised. You can- you can do it again, if you want.”

“Can I?” he asks, and his eyes have that intense quality again, like he’s boring into her. 

“Yes,” Rey replies, and steps forward to kiss him. 

He kisses her back, his arms wrapped around her so that she is pulled against him. He’s so tall, she has to stand on her toes and tip her head back to reach him. His lips are soft and plush, moving against hers slowly. He’s so warm. 

“Oh,” Rey says as he licks into her mouth. 

“Is that okay?” he asks and cups her cheeks in both of his hands. 

“Yes,” she breaths into him. He does it again, and Rey lets him taste her. He pulls her face into his, his hands cradling her head and neck. She lifts up her own tongue and lets it touch his. He makes a low sound in the back of his throat that makes something hot slither down Rey’s spine, and she wants to make him make that sound again. She tangles her fingers in his hair and presses back into him, tangling her tongue with his.

He picks her up and puts her on the bed, crawling over her so she can wrap her arms around his neck as he kisses up her throat and jaw. Her knees are bent at his sides, and his lower stomach presses against her center, and Rey is suddenly very aware that she is wearing thin pajama pants and old panties, so that the wetness that’s building between her legs will soon be noticeable under the inadequate fabric. 

He kisses her deeply, fully, as if trying to drink her. Rey hands grip his shoulders as he moves down her neck, kissing all the way against her soft skin. His hands slide up under her pajama shirt and push it up over her breasts. Rey isn’t wearing a bra, as she never wears one to bed, and her first instinct is to cross her arms over her chest to hide herself, but this is quickly left behind as Ben buries his face between them, licking and sucking. Rey holds onto his head as he opens his mouth around one of her nipples. Her other breast is being kneaded by his hand. Her brain is trying in vain to catch up with what is happening. 

His hand that is not on her breast slides down her abdomen, under her pajamas and underwear. Rey’s breath hitches as he touches her, fingers slipping between her folds to brush her clit, farther down to dip into the wet at her center. He moans into her skin when he realizes how wet she is, and Rey’s brain stops trying to figure out what is going on. 

Ben picks up his head as he spreads Rey’s arousal over her sex, rubbing her clit and then drifting down to slide against her folds. “You’re really wet,” he tells her. His eyes are dark in the light cast by the desk lamp, his hair a mess from her fingers. 

Rey tries to function and think of something to say, but all that she does is make a soft little moan that she would normally be super embarrassed about. He pushes a finger into her, eyes never leaving her face. Rey whines at the unfamiliar feeling. She’s touched herself before, but never fingers herself.

“Whoa, you’re really tight, Rey,” he says, kissing his way back up her jaw. “Have you ever done this before?”

Rey’s brain, which has been taking a break until now, suddenly fires up. Done what? Kissed the step-brother of a friend? Made out with someone she doesn’t know? Had a boy put his fingers inside her? 

“No,” she tells him, her breath quickening as the reality of her situation dawns on her. 

“It’s okay,” he whispers into her cheek, sensing her growing alarm. “We can stop if you want.” He takes his finger out of her, and Rey feels like a part of herself has been taken away. 

“No,” she moans without thinking. 

“You want me to touch you?” Ben asks, stoking her cheek with his other hand. 

“Yes,” Rey says, carding her fingers through his long black hair. “Yes, please.”

“Okay,” he mumbles and kisses her deeply again. He presses his finger back into her, slowly, gently. He continues to kiss her as he pumps it in and out a couple of times until she relaxes around it. Then he pushes another in. 

Rey moans at the stretch, but instinctively lifts her hips up into his hand to allow his fingers to slide deeper. 

“That’s it, sweetheart,” Ben says, peppering kisses on her cheeks and neck. He begins to slowly rub her clit with his thumb. “Does that feel good?”

“Yes,” Rey breaths. “It feels so good, Ben.”

He curls his fingers inside her and suddenly hits a spot that sends lightning down her spine, something hot and tight is coiling in her stomach. She gasps and grips his shoulders with both hands, eyes clamping shut as the sensation overwhelms her. 

“I feel it too,” Ben whispers into her neck. “Right there?”

“Yes, please Ben. Please.”

“It’s okay, Rey. I’ve got you,” he begins to time his stroking of her clit with rubbing that spot inside her, and something inside her is nearing a tipping point. She moans loudly as a dam inside her breaks and she falls over the edge. Ben kisses her almost roughly, in what Rey will later realize was probably an attempt to dampen the sound. He continues to move his fingers inside her, drawing it out. She’s shaking against him, her thighs clamped tight around his hand, her fingers gripping so hard into his shoulders that the marks will probably still be visible the next day. 

He kisses her gently, cupping her chin with one hand and rubbing soothing circles into her abdomen with the other. 

“Was that alright?” he asks her when her breathing has almost returned to normal. 

“Yes,” she responds, “better than alright.”

He smiles at her, shifting a little. Rey can suddenly feel his hard length against her thigh.

“Oh,” Rey says, not because she’s surprised that he’s hard. She knows enough about the birds-and-the-bees to know that he’s become hard. She’s surprised because it feels like it might span the entire length of her thigh. She’s seen a total of two penises in her life, both of them were in movies, and only one of them was erect. Neither of them had prepared her for the feeling of what was currently pressing into her legs. 

“It’s okay,” Ben tells her, sitting up so he’s no longer draped over top of her. “I can get myself off, if you’re okay with that.”

“What?” Rey asks, her eyebrows furrowing. “Shouldn’t I do that?”

“You don’t have to, if you don’t want to,” Ben is looking at the bookshelf now, and Rey wants his eyes back on her. 

“I do want to,” Rey tells him. “That was awesome, and I want you to- “

He’s looking at her again. She’s never going to get used to how intense his eyes are. 

“You want more?” he asks her, eagerly. 

More? Is he going to finger her again? Put his head down there? Weren’t they talking about him?

“I can go slowly,” he tells her. “It will hurt but only for a bit.”

Oh,  _ oh _ , Rey figures out what he means. She opens her mouth and closes it, unable to think of anything to say. She does want more, but she also never considered getting her virginity broken by her friend’s step-brother at 2 o’clock - it’s probably closer to 3 now - in the morning. At the same time, he is sweet, nice, seems to know what he’s doing. Rey can’t really imagine anyone better have her first time with. 

“Okay,” she says. 

He is unable to hide how excited that makes him, though he clearly tries to, and Rey can’t help but smile at how happy she’s made him. 

“Condom?” Ben asks, already pulling open a drawer of his dresser. 

“I’m not on birth control,” Rey says. As if Plutt would pay for that.

“No worries,” he pulls off his pajama shirt. 

_ Why is he still wearing it? _ Rey thinks, before she sees what’s underneath it and her brain stops thinking coherent thoughts. She knew he was muscular from having her hands on him, but that’s nothing to the way he  _ looks _ . 

“Take off your clothes,” Ben orders her, not unpleasantly, as he also drops his pants. 

Yeah, Rey’s brain might never work again. He’s big, hard and red, blushing and leaking. 

Ben see’s Rey’s reaction to his dick. “It’s okay. I’ll be gentle.” He rolls the condom over the head. “Take your clothes off, Rey.”

Right, she’s supposed to be doing something, not just staring wide-eyed at the massive cock that’s about to take her maidenhood. She pulls the bunched up shirt at her shoulders up over her head before pushing off both her pants and panties. He’s had his fingers all over her down there, but she can’t help being self-conscious and knocking her knees together to hide herself from him. She doesn’t shave, as she is the only person who ever sees down there, and it doesn’t seem worth the effort. What if he doesn’t like it? He must know she has hair down there, he must have felt it. 

“Rey, sweetheart,” Ben is closer to her than she realized and makes her jump. “You okay?” his eyes are kind and he rests a hand gently on her knee, stabilizing her. 

“I’m just nervous,” Rey tells him truthfully. 

“I know. It’s scary,” he sympathizes. “If you want me to stop, you can tell me, okay?”

“I’m okay.”

Ben looks at her for a few moments, his eyes soft, his thumb rubbing her knee lightly. “Okay,” he says finally. “Open your legs for me.”

Rey lays back and slowly shifts her heels apart, revealing herself to him. He stands watching her, his eyes locked onto the pink skin that is being uncovered, little by little. 

“Is it okay?” she asks, her insecurities getting the better of her. 

Ben’s eyes flash to hers. There’s something in them that wasn’t there before. He looks a little feral. 

“Okay?” he repeats. “You’re so beautiful, Rey.”

She flushes deeply. “Ben,” her tone is disbelieving. 

“You are,” his voice is earnest. “So beautiful, perfect, Rey.” He kneels between her legs and bends down to kiss her there. Rey gasps as his lips touch her clit, still sensitive from her last orgasm. 

“God, you taste good” he whispers, “I want to suck you dry. Next time, okay?”

Next time? Rey smiles at the thought. 

He crawls up her body, kissing her flushed skin in wet, open-mouthed kisses. He’s so much taller than her that, when he’s lined up, her face is in line with his chest. He reaches down, and Rey can feel the tip resting against her entrance. 

“Okay?” he asks one last time.

“Please, Ben,” is all Rey can say. 

He presses into her slowly, inch-by-inch. Rey knows he’s watching her face, so she tries to stay relaxed and not make any noise so as not to let him know how much it hurts. This is very difficult and takes almost all of her focus, as it feels like he’s splitting her in two. It feels like it takes two years for him to bottom out. He’s thick and long, way too big for her. It feels like every empty space inside her has been filled with him, giving her no room to adjust, nowhere to hide. She’s taking deep, shaky breaths, willing her muscles to relax, to make room for him, but there is nowhere for them to go. 

“It’s okay, Rey,” Ben whispers. 

“I’m okay,” Rey replies, grateful that her voice is not squeaky, which she thought it would be. “Give me a second.”  _ Relax, relax, relax, relax _ , her inner mantra repeats over and over. 

Her muscles don’t necessarily relax, but she does get used to it rather quickly. She looks up at Ben and nods. He slowly pulls out, and Rey can barely keep quiet because it hurts almost as much as when he went in. Then he slowly pushes in again. It does hurt a bit less, not that that is very difficult as she suspects this will leave her desperately sore in the morning. He continues at a snail’s pace, in and out. His breath huffs on her forehead, and she knows he’s restraining himself. 

“You can go faster,” she tells him. 

He speeds up immediately, and Rey is surprised to find the pain decreasing. The painful ache is replaced by an ache of a different kind. Something hot is flowing through her again. She wraps her legs around his hips, allowing him to press into her at a different angle, and his cock brushes that spot inside her that his fingers found earlier. Rey moans. Ben reacts to this by slowing down so much he almost stops. 

“No!” Rey demands, semi-consciously. Her hands are digging into him again, this time clasped around his ribs as his shoulders are above her head. 

“You want me to keep going?” Ben checks in. 

“Yes, oh my god,” Rey babbles, “please, please, plea- “

Rey can tell Ben has a smirk on his face when he says, “alright,” and resumes his pace. 

“Ooh,” Rey moans throatily as he hits that spot inside her. She arches into him, seeking more.

“You like that?” he asks. 

A stupid question, considering, but maybe he needs reassurance. 

“I like that. Right there,” she tells him as he hits it again. “Right there, that feels so good.”

“You want it harder?”

Rey is nodding before she fully comprehends the question. Whatever he wants to give her, she’ll take. Whatever he asks of her, she’ll do. 

Ben’s skin slaps against hers as he thrusts harshly. It is a little painful, but that is drowned out by the pleasure that begins to build. His pace is almost brutal now, in and out so fast and hard, she scoots across the bed a little each time his hips hit hers. 

“Holy shit,” Rey mumbles, unable to see or hear or feel anything but him. It’s overwhelming and exquisite. He surrounds her, envelops her, absorbs her. She is no longer one person, but a different type of being tangled with him. 

Her orgasm hits much harder the second time. Her vision is completely white as pleasure pours down from her spine and up from the place where she is joined with Ben. She can’t hear a thing, but might be screaming. Her back is arched to an almost painful point, but she’s so close to him, adjoined to him, part of him, she’d never regret it. 

He must come soon after her. When she comes back down from her orgasm, he has pulled them onto their sides and is cradling her against him. 

“Whoa,” is all she can say. 

“You okay?” he asks. 

“Ben, that was - holy shit, is it always like that?”

“Not in my experience, no.”

“Are you okay?”

He pulls her head back so that he can look into her eyes, “A lot better than okay.” He smiles and pecks a kiss on her lips. Then, he reaches between them and holds the condom onto his dick as he pulls out of her. “You came pretty hard,” he tells her as he ties it and hides it in the garbage can next to his desk. “I thought you blacked out for a second.” 

“I might have,” she lays back against his blankets. “It was the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

She expects him to smile, which he does, but there is something sad about it that makes Rey’s heart skip a beat. 

“Me too,” he says quietly, “but Rey, my mom - the Pavas - they can’t know about this. It’s complicated- “

“Oh, no that’s okay,” Rey interrupts. He had said something about next time, hadn't he? Maybe he hadn’t meant it. 

“I’m really sorry.”

Rey sits up, “don’t be. No really, don’t be, Ben. This was really great, and even if it can only happen once, don’t be sorry about it.” 

“I’m not sorry about - right. This was great, I want - thanks.”

Rey smiles, “I think I should go back downstairs before Jess wakes up.” 

Ben’s eyebrows furrow, but his eyes are glassy and distant, “That’s probably a good idea.” 

Rey nods and begins to pull her pajamas back on. 

“The book,” Ben says, picking it up off the floor where Rey apparently dropped. She thinks he probably won’t give it to her now, considering she dropped it and he probably only offered to get close enough to her to make a move. 

Surprisingly, he hands it to her. 

“Oh, I- thank you.”

“I hope you like it.” 

Rey stands. It feels incredibly weird to be dressed while he’s standing naked in front of her. 

“Thanks, Ben,” and with that, she crosses the room, and shuts the door behind her when she leaves. 


	2. The Second Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey returns the book Ben lent her.

The second time, it’s because she has to give the book back. She also wants to talk about it with him, since he’s the only person she knows of who has read it, and he was right, it’s definitely one of the best books ever written. Jessika invited Rey and Finn over for a sleep-over. Apparently, Mr. Pava is okay with boys spending the night as long as “they play for the other team”, as Jess tells them. Rey is even more excited about it now that Finn is going, considering he’s been her best friend ever since she was placed with Plutt. He’s also a foster kid, though he has a way better situation. 

They are spending the night in the theatre again, curled up with the Pavas’ collection of sleeping bags and pillows. Jess insists they watch a horror movie again, which Finn is happy with, and Rye no longer minds.  _ To Kill a Mockingbird _ is tucked into her overnight bag. If she kept her bra on under her pajama shirt, and if that bra is the nicest bra she owns, it certainly has nothing to do with it. Jess actually bought it for her birthday after she jokingly told Jess that she didn't have a boyfriend because she didn't have any nice underwear. It's deep purple and contrasts nicely against her pale skin. It's also a push-up one so it makes her look like she has at least a little cleavage. The underwear she's wearing, the only pair she has that are lacy at all, are also from Jess and match. 

Finn and Jess fall asleep shortly after the movie ends. Rey gives it an extra 15 minutes before pulling the book out of her bag and slipping out of the room. She makes her way upstairs slowly, as if trying to deny herself. 

_ It’s not going to happen _ , she tells herself.  _ You’re going to give the book back and go downstairs. That’s it.  _

She can’t help hoping that she’s wrong. She knocks lightly on the closed door. 

“Come in,” comes a muffled voice from in the room. 

_ Breathe, Rey.  _

“Hey,” she sticks her head around the door frame. 

“Hey,” he’s sitting at the desk, but turns all the way around to see her. 

“I have your book - or your mom’s book,” she waves it. 

“Come on in,” he says, beckoning to her. 

She steps in and closes the door behind her. “I loved it.” 

“Did you?” he leans back in his chair and spreads his legs. 

_ He’s just relaxing _ . 

“Best book ever written,” she nods, looking determinately into his eyes. "Amazing that it's just the story of how Jem broke his arm."

He smiles. “Hmm, have you read One Hundred Years of Solitude?”

“No, never heard of it.” 

He stands up and walks to the bookshelf. It takes him a few moments to find it, during which Rey surveys him. It’s been a month, and shit, what the fuck? Did she have sex with him? He’s so attractive. Holy shit. 

He picks it out and then motions to her to give the other book back to him. She hands it over and expects him to trade it for the new one, but he doesn’t. He keeps a firm hand on the new book as he places  _ To Kill a Mockingbird _ back on the shelf. 

“Thanks again… for lending it to me.” 

“You’re welcome,” he turns back around and still does not give her the book. Instead he looks at her, intensely, as always. 

Rey just stares back at him. 

“I’ve been thinking about you,” it’s so quiet that if Rey hadn’t seen his lips move, she might have thought he just exhaled deeply. 

“I’ve been thinking about you too,” she tells him, a blush creeping up her neck. 

“I’ve seen you at school,” Ben takes a step closer to her. 

Their paths don’t cross very much. She’s a sophomore; he’s a senior, but she’s seen him too. 

“I can’t stop thinking about you,” he says, “about the noises you made, about how you looked when you came, about how you taste.”

“Me neither,” Rey says, and steps forward, and kisses him. 

This time, it’s him who drops the book as his hands grab her ass and lift her up so that her legs can wrap around his hips. He responds to her kiss by deepening it immediately, licking into her mouth and pulling her flush against him. Now that he's holding her, she hovers over him, cupping his face in one hand and tangling the other in his hair. He sits down on the bed with her straddling his lap so that he can use his hands to pull her shirt off over her head. He sees the bra, and Rey watches his face still. Then he looks up at her. 

"Stand up and take your pants off," he orders her softly. 

Rey gets out his lap and steps away from him. He rests his hands on his knees, eyes on her breasts. His face looks like stone, trying to conceal something. 

Rey hooks her fingers around the elastic of her pajama pants and pushes them down and off. Ben reaches forward and she steps in to allow his hand to caress her hip. Somehow she knows not to touch him back, just to stand there and let him take her in. 

"Did you wear these for me?" he asks her finally, after what feels like an eternity of him looking at her body. 

"Yes," Rey says quietly. 

"Were you… thinking about me?" 

Hasn't she told him she has? He's so tall and dark and handsome. Maybe he's not as confident as she assumed he was. 

"I think about you all the time, Ben," she tells him earnestly, putting her hands on his shoulders and rubbing them. "I think about your lips and your hands. I think about your eyes and your hair. I think about you at night when I touch myself. I try to make it feel like you, but I can't. My fingers are too small, Ben."

Ben seems slightly hypnotized, his eyes glazed over as he gazes into Rey's eyes. When he speaks, his words are mumbled and slurred, "Your fingers…?" 

"Mmm," Rey steps closer to him so her pubic bone is pressing into his knees. 

"Fuck," Ben whispers and seems to suddenly breaks out of his stupor. His grip on her hips tighten as he yanks her to him, tugging her into his lap. He wrenches her bra off before flipping them around so she lands on her back, bouncing a little against the mattress. "Do you remember," he begins as he takes his shirt off, his voice steady now, "what I said last time?" 

"Uh, what?" 

"I told you that I was going to suck you dry, do you remember?" Ben pulls Rey's underwear down her legs and off, revealing the slick pink between her legs. 

"Ben," is all Rey can say before he's licking her clit in firm, determined strokes, making her arch into his face. She moans a deep "Oh" from the back of her throat. He alternates sucking and licking her bundle of nerves, leaving her a wet, moaning mess. Then, when she's properly destroyed by his ministrations, he moves down, sliding his tongue between her folds, parting them, and licks into her vagina. 

"Mother fucker," Rey says loudly as she reaches down to tangle her hands in his hair, forcing herself not to press into his head. 

Ben chuckles. His hands wrap around her upper thighs and hold her down as he locks his lips around her hole, licking into her desperately.  _ He said he was going to suck you dry. _

"Ben, please, fuck," Rey mumbles. 

Ben moves back up, latching around her clit and  _ sucks _ hard. 

Rey comes, her thighs shaking and clenching around Ben's head. She is slightly aware of saying his name over and over. 

"Sorry" she mumbles when she comes down enough to realize she's been trapping Ben between her legs. 

He kisses her inner thigh gently. "I'm going to fuck you now, Rey."

"Yes," she says, making him chuckle again. 

He stands and pulls his pants off, freeing his painfully hard dick. She sits up to watch him rummage in his drawer and pull out a condom. His muscles ripple up and down his back as his arms move, up and down his legs as he steps. 

"God, Ben, you are so fucking attractive."

He huffs a laugh as he rolls the condom down his length. 

She scoots to sit on the edge of the bed. "You are," she insists. 

Ben kneels in front of her and kisses her gently. Then, he pulls her off the bed and onto her feet, turning them around so that once again he is sitting on the bed and she is standing in front of him. He looks into her eyes and wraps his arms around her, cradling her back, pulling her against him. They kiss softly, and Rey places her hands on either side of his face. He lets go of her and scoots back on the bed, grabbing her hands to lead her to crawl over him. She lets herself sit on his thighs and wraps her hand around his dick. Ben makes a soft sound and closes his eyes at her touch. Rey slowly slides her hand up and down him, causing him to make more sounds. He opens his eyes to watch her work on him. 

"You like that?" she asks him, watching his face. 

His eyes are locked on her hand moving up and down. "Yes," he whispers, "fuck Rey, but you have to stop."

"Mmm, " Rey hums, rubbing the head of his cock with her thumb to collect the precome there. 

"Let me fuck you," he demands. 

Rey can't refuse that. She lifts her hips up and takes him in hand to line him up with her before sliding down onto him. It hurts again, nowhere near as much as last time, but Rey hasn't been worked open the way she was last time. It burns as she lowers herself, stretching her and filling her. 

Ben groans and grips her hips harshly in his hands, centering her. She gives herself a few moments before raising herself up and sinking back onto him. The pleasure at this overtakes the pain. 

"Yes," he hisses, "fuck yes, sweetheart."

Rey leans forward and plants her hands on his chest to give herself leverage as she lifts up again, but this time she let's gravity slam her back onto him. 

Ben's fingers dig into her hips hard enough to leave bruises. He gazes into her eyes, "You like it like that?" 

"Yeah." 

Ben holds her in place above him, "You want it hard, Rey?" 

"Yeah, Ben, fuck me hard."

He needs no other encouragement than this. He keeps a hold of her hips as he thrusts up into her. Rey puts her hands over his and leans back, allowing him to slide into her at a different angle. 

"Oh," Rey moans breathily. 

"Is this what you wanted, Rey?" Ben asks, his breath coming in short gasps as he continues to fuck into her. 

"Yes, fuck Ben."

He lifts one of his hands and grasps one of her breasts, squeezing her pert nipple. Rey begins to feel consumed by him once again. The stimulation in her cunt and on her breast overwhelms her, and she whimpers as Ben's other hand slips between her legs. It remains stationary there. 

"Beg me for it," he tells her. 

"Wha-? Oh," something in her likes that, she doesn't know why. The heat in her core is reaching a melting point. "Please Ben, please make me come. Please, I need you."

Ben grins and begins to work his fingers on her clit in tight circles. It’s all Rey needed. Ben grunts when her cunt tightens as she comes. He thrusts twice more uncoordinatedly, before he comes, throwing his head back and groaning deeply. 

Rey's orgasm hits her good and hard, but when she sees Ben come, something she missed last time, her mind blanks out in ecstasy. His eyes are glassy and dazed as he watches her above him. She runs her hands up and down his smooth chest. 

"Don't leave so fast this time," he whispers to her. 

She shakes her head and leans down to bury her face into his neck. 

"Let me take this off," Ben whispers into her hair, "and you can get under the blankets." 

Rey rolls off of him and burrows under the sheets while Ben takes off the condom before joining her. He pulls her back into his chest and cradles her body gently. 

"Do you have sex with other girls?" Rey doesn't know what makes her say that. She has been consciously trying not to think about Ben with other girls, but she had decided she didn't want to know about it. Apparently her mouth feels like betraying her. 

His arms tighten around her and he presses his face into the top of her head, inhaling her. "No," he breaths into her. 

Rey refuses to let herself ask anymore questions and cuddles back into him, allowing him to surround her. He kisses the top of her ear. Rey turns around and pressed her face into his skin. "You're so warm," she mumbles into his chest. "I could stay here forever."

"I wish you would," he replies. 

"I hope it's okay that I barged into your room again."

"You can barge into my room any time you want," Ben smiles. "When Jess told me she was having another sleep-over, I hoped you were coming."

"Well, I had to return the book," her tone is teasing. 

Ben hums softly. They lay together for as long as they can deem to be reasonable before Rey has to kiss him softly and return downstairs. 


	3. The Third and the Fourth Times

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A few more times Ben and Rey, um, see each other. I swear this is going somewhere. 
> 
> Rey makes a very questionable choice.

By the time the third time comes around, Rey has convinced herself that it's not going to happen again. When she sees Ben at school, he barely looks at her and it's clear to Rey that he's not making efforts to make it happen. 

_ He's a teenage boy _ , Rey tells herself.  _ I was just a shag to him. A good shag maybe, but that's it. That's why he didn't want me to tell Jess about it.  _

Even though Rey convinces herself that her two nights with Ben meant way more to her than they did to him, she still tells no one about them. She in no way regrets them. She's never felt more wanted in her life, and yes, she recognizes that it's fucked up that she felt the most wanted by someone who did not, in fact, want her. 

The next time Jess invites Rey and Finn over, it's almost the end of the school year. Jess hints heavily that a Junior boy by the name of Saile has the hots for Rey, but Rey can barely sit still through the movie, can barely wait for Finn and Jess to fall asleep while they tease each other about the other's boyfriend. 

Ben fucks her from behind this time. She's on all fours as he holds onto her hips to pull her against him as he slams into her. 

He's leaving to spend the summer with his dad in Alaska before starting college in the fall. The fact that  _ this _ is probably the last time they'll be together is heavy in the air. 

His hips hit hers, his fingers delve into her skin, his dick hits so deep it brushes her cervix, all in what feels like an attempt to mark her as his, so that everyone will know once he's gone. His balls hit her clit with every thrust, making her come so hard that her vision whites out and she screams, his hand around her mouth to muffle the sound. 

She lays with him again, longer even then last time. His hands comb through her hair, his lips kiss her forehead every once in a while. When Rey returns downstairs, she feels like something is being ripped out of her with every step.

* * *

Rey doesn't really like to think about the fourth time. Well, she really likes thinking about the time itself, she just doesn't like to think about how she got there. 

She was certain, when she and Saile showed up at the Pavas for Jessika's end of the summer party, that Ben would be long gone to Alaska. 

"Ben's here?" Rey asks Jess stupidly when Jess mentions him. 

Jess gives her a curious look, "Yeah, he's sulking in his room because we're 'going to make so much noise, how can he focus on packing?' You should have heard him complaining to Leia."

The party is in full swing and Rey's boyfriend's arm is wrapped around her shoulders, and all she can do is think about Ben, only two floors above. "I'm going to try to find Finn," Rey tells Saile, though she knows Finn was unable to come because it's his foster mother's birthday. 

"Okay, babe," Saile squeezes her shoulders a bit. "I'm going to go hang out with the football boys for a while." 

Self-loathing fills Rey as she climbs the familiar stairs up to the third floor. Ben puts up no fronts this time. Rey opens the door and he says, "God, I was hoping you were here."

She sits in his lap, and he kisses her the whole time he fucks her, hands sliding up and down her back gently, in harsh contrast to his harsh thrusts between her legs. Rey feels once again like they become one being, that she's been absorbed into him. 

She whispers, "Ben, please," into his mouth as she comes, and she hopes he can tell she's not asking for the orgasm, she's asking for something else. He might get it, because when he comes, he says "Rey" in a way that's completely different than anyway anyone has ever said her name before. It sounds like it's being torn out of his chest. 

She has to go back downstairs quickly so that Saile doesn't notice her absence. Ben sees her tears and kisses her cheeks softly, cradling her against him. 

"I thought you were gone," she says softly, hoping he'll understand. 

He must because he says, "It's okay sweetheart. It's okay," followed, after a pause, by, "Have you had sex with him?"

"No," she shakes her head. "Only you."

He kisses her forehead and watches her leave with eyes brimful of sorrow. 

She breaks it off with Saile a couple of days later. She can't stand how much she hates herself for what she's done to him, even if he may never know. 


	4. The Fifth Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two years later. One more time.

The fifth time is almost exactly two years later, and it's the first time they have sex somewhere other than Ben's bedroom. Rey and Finn have been invited to a garden party at the Pavas before moving off to school. Jessika will be attending Brown while Rey and Finn are going to NYU. 

Rey again expects Ben to be gone, and is shocked when she comes face-to-face with him moments after walking through the door. He's wearing an all black business suit that makes Rey's knees a little weak. She stumbles through small talk with him, Finn, and Jess before being shepherded outside by Leia. Ben keeps his distance from her during the meal, in which ladies in fancy dresses feign amazement over the quality of the catering. Rey has never felt more out of place. After lunch (or as one lady at Rey's table says,  _ luncheon _ ), Finn sneaks off to call his boyfriend and Rey tells Jessika that she needs to call someone as well, and heads back into the house. 

She does not go upstairs. She did not come into the house in search of Ben. She's done, over it, had sex with other guys (okay one other guy), and it wasn't great but whatever, it's been years and she is not desperate. What she really needs is a break from the 1% so she heads to the kitchen, only to find it full of catering staff, and so she instead goes into a room across the hall, which she knows is Mr Pava's office. 

"I'd rather not do this now," comes a voice from the high-backed desk chair which is turned away from the door, so Rey can't see who's in it. She knows that voice though. 

"Me too," she teases, knowing he thought she was someone else. 

He turns around, surprised, "I thought you were my mother."

"She's still shmoozing Mrs Million Dollars or whatever."

"How'd you know I was in here?" 

Rey laughs, "honestly I didn't. I was just trying to get some water and get away from Mr Warbucks."

"Who's that?" 

"Billionaire. Adopts little orphan Annie."

"Ahh. So you're about as big of a fan of the guests as I am."

"I don't know why Jess invited us. I don't belong here. I'm nothing to these people."

"Not to me," Ben's stare is as intense as always. Rey feels that he's undressing her with his eyes. She suddenly realizes she's a bit wetter than she bargained for, considering her choice of underwear and the thin summer dress she's wearing. How is just him looking at her turning her on this much? "I don't have water, but there's scotch." He holds up a decanter full of brown liquor. 

"I'm good, thanks."

"Suit yourself," he pours himself a glass. 

"How's the college life?" 

"Shit, mostly."

"I have a lot to look forward to then."

"Where are you going?" 

"NYU." 

"That's pretty far."

"Anything to get me out of here. Plus Finn is going too so I won't be on my own."

"Is Finn the gay one?" 

Rey smiles.  _ Is he jealous? _ "Yup."

She leans against the office door as he surveys her. His eyes rake up and down her body, making her feel naked despite layers of cloth. 

"You look nice," he says after a while. "That dress looks good on you."

"Thanks, it's not mine. Since Plutt kicked me out I've had no use for fancy clothes, or energy to keep them."

"That's your foster dad?" Ben's eyebrows are furrowed deeply. 

"Yeah, he's a dick. As soon as I turned 18 he told me to hit the road. I've been living with Finn's family ever since. They're really great."

Ben looks about 2 seconds away from punching someone. 

"Honestly, it's okay," Rey tries to calm him. "I got a full ride to NYU, so I don't have to worry about Plutt anymore." She walks to his chair and stands in front of him. "I'll be alright." 

He puts his hands on her hips, rubbing into the thin fabric with his thumbs. 

"I'm sorry," he says, looking into her eyes. 

"Really, it's okay."

"I-" he begins, but stops. He shakes his head. 

"I'm on birth control now."  _ Fuck, why did I just say that? Didn't I just tell myself I wasn't in this house for him? _

Ben stands and pins her against the desk with his body before Rey can react. 

"You want me to fuck you?" he asks, his eyes full of fire, and for a second, Rey thinks he's angry with her, but instead, he kisses her gently. 

Rey kisses him back, and is surprised about how softy it is. It feels like being welcomed home. "Mmm, we can just do this if you want," she says when he breaks away. 

He chuckles darkly, "No, sweetheart, I know what you want." He turns her around so that her hands are on the desk and her butt is nested in his crotch. "I know what you need, Rey, and I'm going to give it to you." He pushes her dress up over her hips to reveal her underwear and slips a hand between her legs to feel the damp fabric. 

"Already ready for me, like a good girl," he says. 

So, he's learned some things in the last two years. Something about the way he says it makes something tighten pleasurably in Rey's abdomen, just like he knew it would. 

He rubs her clit through the fabric, causing Rey to bend over the desk to give him better access. He chuckles again, "You're such a slut for me, Rey."

"Only for you," she says defensively without thinking. 

"Just for me," he agrees. "You're so needy for me, so  _ desperate _ for it." He slides his fingers sideways under her underwear, dipping them in her wet center, making her whine. "Yeah, just like that. You like my fingers inside you, don't you Rey?" 

"Yes, Ben," she moans breathily. 

"Do you want me to finger you?" 

"No."

"No?" he's definitely surprised by that. 

This new talking thing is making Rey's head spin but it also makes her hot in the right ways and she wants to meet Ben head on. "I want your dick, Ben. I want you to fuck me hard enough to make up for the last two years."

Rey would give almost everything she owns to see his face after that, but she stays bent over, facing the door. She understands Ben well enough to know he’d be embarrassed if she looked at him right now and saw the crack in his confident front.

He takes a minute to respond, and when he finally speaks, his voice his low and rumbling and sends shivers down rey's body, "You want me to fuck you like the slut you are? The slut you are for me?" 

"Yes."

"You know what to do then."

_ What? _ Ben doesn't move. His fingers remain stationary between her legs, his other hand resting on her back, gently bending her over Mr Pava's desk. He has to do something. Rey needs him to touch her. Her cunt is throbbing and fluttering. Her nipples ache for his hands. She's even vastly more aware of the skin on her neck than she usually is, hoping for him to kiss and nibble and lick her there. 

She moans helplessly, trying to push herself back to rub against the bulge in his pants. 

"No, no," Ben sings playfully. How can he stand this? His hands move to either side of her hips, holding her down and away from him. Rey moans again and tries to fight his grip. "Use your words, Rey," he tells her. 

It's then that Rey figures it out. "Please Ben," she whines, tugging at one of his hands with hers as the other grips the desk so hard her knuckles turn white. "Please fuck me, I need it. I need you inside me. I need your come inside me, please. I've missed you so much. Please, Ben."

He does absolutely nothing and resists her feeble attempts to move his hands. 

"Ben," she pants, her frustration evident. 

"You  _ are _ a slut," he whispers, leaning his head forward so his breath hits her ear. "Such a fucking whore begging for it, writhing underneath me when I've barely touched you. Do I turn you on that much, sweetheart?" 

"Yes!" Rey's voice is reaching a fever pitch as she wriggles in vane. "So much Ben. More than anyone ever has, please touch me."

"Don't worry, sweetheart. I told you I was going to give you what you needed, and I've never lied to you."

He finally lets go of her, and all she can do is slump over the desk and arch her back to offer her ass to him. He palms it through her panties, squeezing it a little before pulling her panties down her legs to reveal her wet folds. 

"God, you're fucking  _ dripping _ ," Ben mumbles, and Rey is happy to hear that his words a slurred a little. At least she's not the only one losing their mind right now. 

She wiggles it a little, trying to be enticing. "All for you," she breaths into the wood of the desk. 

"That's right," he agrees, his voice still dazed. 

Rey is already impossibly wet, but she swears she gets even wetter when she hears him undoing his suit pants. She moans when he slides the head of his dick against her wet center, coating it in her arousal before brushing it against her clit, making her moan and arch into the feeling even more. 

"Shhh, do you want Jess to hear you and come see you bent over her father's desk like this?" 

"Please, just stop teasing me."

"You don't like it?" he asks playfully. 

"No."

"Your cunt says otherwise," he says, and then finally pushes into her, bottoming out in one motion. 

Rey stuffs her hand into her mouth to muffle her moan of pleasure at finally, after all these years, being full of him again. 

"Still so tight," Ben groans, pulling out and pushing back in, a little harder this time. "Just the way I remembered."

"Yeah?" Rey asks between moans. "Have you been thinking about me?" 

"Yes," Ben replies immediately.

"When?" Rey needs to know. 

"All the time," his hips snap into hers and he hits that spot inside her, the one that makes her whole spine feel like a lightning bolt. "I think about you when I go to bed," he growls, skin hitting hers so hard with each thrust that the sounds almost drowns out her moans, "when I touch myself. I dream about you; your eyes, your smile."

With one last pounding thrust, Rey comes, biting down on her hand to keep the noise down, but she loses the wherewithal to do this as her vision blanks out, hot tingling pleasure crashing around her, inside her, everywhere. Ben slows his pace down, her cunt tightening around his length. He's sliding in and out of her with languid motions, drawing out her orgasm until she's limp and shaking against the wood of the desk. When she begins to come down, he speeds right back up to the brutal pace. He grips her hips and pulls her back onto him, impaling her repeatedly on his cock. 

"Fuuck," Rey moans. "Fuck yes. Oh my God, Ben."

"You want to come again, sweetheart?" His voice his shaking with how much effort he's putting into fucking her. Sweat drips down his forehead and chest. 

"Yes, Ben," Rey whines, reaching back and placing her hands on top of his on her hips. "Please make me come again."

"God, Rey, you're so perfect, so beautiful."

Rey feels her skin flush at the praise. It feels almost weird juxtaposed with his brutal pace and what they've been saying to each other, but it also makes her feel seen, wanted, loved. 

"So good for me," Ben continues, grunting out the words as he pounds into her. "Such a good girl. I would fuck you every day if I could Rey. Two years is too fucking long."

Rey moans in agreement, and then moans again when he hits something inside her that she supposes is her cervix. It makes her knees buckle and the only way she remains somewhat standing is that Ben is holding her up and against him. He wraps one arm around her waist to support her, and with the other, he reaches in front of her, pressing into her clit, which has previously been neglected except for when his balls happened to slap against it. His fingers have no finesse. All they do is press, but it sends Rey right over the edge. 

She makes no sound when she comes this time, a first for her, but the sensation is beyond sound. Her mouth opens in a silent scream as waves upon waves crash into her, spinning her away from the world to one where all that exists is the feeling of Ben around her and inside her. She hears Ben as if from a distance groan and he buries his head in her neck, hips thrusting randomly and uncontrollably. Then she feels his come inside her, hot and thick, coating her walls. She is no longer conscious of anything but the white hot feeling of his body against hers. 

"Rey, sweetheart, you okay?" Ben says to her, his breaths still fast and shallow. 

"Yes," Rey forces herself to respond, though it feels like she's forgotten how to move her mouth. 

He's kissing her neck, one arm still wrapped around her body, the other rubbing her lower abdomen. She reaches back and puts her hands in his hips, resting gently, trying to ground herself. 

"Fuck Ben, I've never come that hard."

"Me neither," his lips move against her skin as he speaks. 

"Two years is too long," she repeats, and she can feel his mouth curve in a smile. 

They stand there for a while, neither of them wanting to lose contact with the other. Finally, it's Ben who mumbles dejectedly, "We should get back before someone comes looking for us."

Rey only whines a little in response, making him smile again. He pulls out of her, and his come drips down her legs. He pulls a wad of napkins over from next to the scotch and hands them to her. 

"Ben?" she asks, cleaning her legs. "Why can't we-?" She stops. She told herself to not ask that question. Whatever it is, it's either too complicated or just an excuse for him not to commit to her. She's decided she doesn't want to know which. 

He looks at her sadly, understanding her. "My mom would force me to promise never to speak to you again. She'd make us separate."

This doesn't make sense to Rey. Sure, Rey's a foster kid with no money who grew up in a trailer park, but Leia has always liked her. Plus, if what Jess says is true, all the money the Pavas spend is Mr Pava's, not Leia's. Leia's inheritance, which is sizable, is tied up in some financial clusterfuck that neither Rey nor Jessika understand. 

Ben seems to read her mind, "It's not because of you. My mom loves you. Actually, it is kind of because of that. You're way too good for me. She'd try to convince you to leave me."

Rey's eyebrows furrow. "I wouldn't leave you."

Ben smiles sadly at her. 

"Plus," Rey goes on, "I doubt that very much. Jess says you and Leia are close!" 

"We were, but she started traveling more and more for her work, and I've done a lot of shitty things that Jess doesn't know about," Ben tells her, looking away. "My mother wouldn't want you to get caught up in that."

"What kind of things?" Rey tosses the napkins in the trash and pulls her underwear back on. 

Ben smiles at her but it doesn't quite reach his eyes, "wouldn't you like to know?" 

_ Translation: I don't want to talk about that. _

Rey decides to let it go. It does at least sound like it's not an excuse not to date her. 

"This was… great," she says feebly.

"Yeah, it always is," he replies. "I hope you like college, Rey."

Rey pinches her wrist behind her back in an attempt to keep down the tears that are welling up in her eyes. "Good bye, Ben."


	5. The Times It Doesn't Happen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Plot development! (No steamy scenes in this chapter but we'll get back to it soon, I promise)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy 4th of July everyone! Stay safe!

Two years was too long, and three years feels like an eternity. Rey convinces herself that she'll never see Ben again. She barely talks to Jess anymore, and never goes back to her old hometown. 

Finn is still her best friend. She has a new best girl friend named Rose, and a good boyfriend named Poe. They make her happy, and she desperately tries to forget about Ben. 

She bartends on the weekends at a nice bar near campus. Her coworker, Tallie, is always down for a good time and makes Rey laugh. It's after work on a Saturday night that Tallie asks Rey if she wants to grab a drink. 

"Where?" Rey asks. It's 3am and most places are shutting down. 

"Here!" Tallie laughs. She grabs a couple of bottles of beer and leads Rey up an old staircase. They climb to the top of the building, out on the roof, and sit looking out over the city, sipping their drinks. 

"What's the worst thing you've ever done?" Tallie asks suddenly. 

"What?" 

"The worst thing! I had sex in my parents' bed one time. I think that's mine."

"Shit, Tal, where did this come from?" 

"I dunno," Tallie chuckles and lays back. 

Rey sighs, "I had sex at a party once with my friend's brother while my boyfriend was downstairs."

Tallie sits up, "Holy shit, really?" 

"Yeah."

"I can't imagine you doing that."

"I know, it was very out of character.”

"Wait, this wasn't Poe was it?" 

"No! It was back in high school. I broke up with him a few days later."

"Your boyfriend or the brother?" 

"My boyfriend." 

"So did you date the brother?" 

"No, he wasn't- No."

"Did you ever have sex with him again?" 

By this point, Rey's face is so red Tallie might be able to see it through the darkness. She's never told anyone this before. "Yeah, a couple of times actually." 

"Wow," Tallie lies back against the roof again. "He must have been a looker."

Rey huffs a laugh, "yeah, amazing actually."

"Was he nice?" 

"He was…" What was Ben? He could be sweet; he could be caring. He could also be distant. If he had really wanted her, why had he let her go? He'd never even asked for her number. "He understood me," Rey says, and it's only after the words leave her mouth that she realizes that they are very true. Ben, whatever he was, seemed to get her in a way no one else had before or after. 

"Ah," Tallie nods. "That's pretty powerful, especially when you're lonely."

"I was," Rey says, squeezing her eyes shut to keep from crying, "so lonely."

Tallie pats Rey's knee. "Do you still feel like that sometimes?" 

"Are you planning on being a therapist, Tal?" 

Tallie shrugs. 

"Sometimes," Rey admits quietly. "Sometimes I miss him so much it hurts."

"Yeah," Tallie says. "Emotions when we're young are stronger than emotions when we're older. My mom used to say that. You feel something for someone when you're young, and you want to find something that feels like that again when you're older, but it can't happen anymore."

"Shit," Rey laughs sadly. 

"But you like Poe right?" 

"I love Poe," Rey nods. "He's great."

"But he's not… this other guy."

"No," Rey agrees, "he's not Ben."

* * *

Jess is getting married at the end of October. Rey and Finn both get an invite and a plus one.

"I love weddings!" Rose sings happily while she and Rey get ready at Finn's foster parents' house. Rey is super jealous that he got placed with this family, who are always happy to see him. They are very supportive of Rey too, but sometimes Rey wonders how she would have been different if she hadn't been placed with Plutt. 

"I've never been to one," Rey admits as Rose helps her put on makeup. She's never been good and this girly shit. Jeans and a t-shirt were always her go to. 

"It's going to be amazing!" Rose laughs. "I'm so glad Finn brought me, even if it is just as friends."

Rey smiles sympathetically. Rose had had a crush on Finn before he came out to her. Rey suspects that Rose still harbors some tender feelings for him. 

After Rose applies enough makeup to Rey's face, she starts on her own. Rey sneaks into the bathroom. She looks at herself in the mirror and barely recognizes the woman looking back at her. 

_ You will not have sex with Ben Solo. You will not have sex with Ben Solo. You are with Poe. You love Poe. You don't need Ben Solo. You will not have sex with Ben Solo. _

"I will not have sex with Ben Solo," Rey says to her reflection. Has she ever been with Ben without having sex with him? Except for school, the answer to that question is no; she's never been in a building with Ben without fucking him. 

Jessika's wedding is outside, and it's a surprisingly warm day. Rey is wearing a green dress with a yellow sweater. Rose tried to get her in a red dress, but it felt too much like someone else's. 

Ben's eyes meet hers for approximately 5 whole seconds. He takes in Poe, his hand on her waist. He looks mad for approximately 2 seconds, before his eyes become slightly distant and his face turns to stone. 

The wedding is out on the back lawn of the Pavas' house. Jessika is wearing a custom Vera Wang. Her groom is the son of some British aristocrat. Rey has never felt more out of place, garden party included. 

"Rey! Finn!" Jess yells at the reception, which is held in the ballroom. (How did Rey not know there was a ballroom in this house?) "I'm so glad you could come!" 

"Glad we could make it," Rey hugs her. 

"You look amazing," Finn tells her. 

"Aw thanks, love," Jess kisses his cheek. "Who are these two?" 

"Rey's boyfriend Poe," Finn introduces, "and our friend Rose."

"Enchanted," Jess sings, glowing. "So glad you could come see the house one last time."

"What?" Rey asks. 

"Dad and Leia are selling it. This is our last hurrah."

"Oh no!" Rey says. 

Jess smiles at her, "Ben's super mad at them because 'where is he supposed to keep his books if they sell his room?' as if they're only selling  _ his _ room, not the whole house. God, since he started his new job, him and Leia fight all the time. She can barely talk about his job without crying. I basically had to beg him to come to the wedding, only because my dad begged me to get him to come because 'it would make Leia so happy'. Well, look at Leia. Does she seem happy? Honestly, I would have been fine if he didn't come, but no, he had to come."

Rey can't talk but Finn says something that Rey can't understand. She is only slightly conscious of interrupting him by saying, "What is his job?" 

Finn, Poe, Rose, and Jess all turn to look at Rey, their faces confused. 

"Um, some kind of lobbying company, if that's a thing," Jess says slowly, "not one hundred percent sure."

"Why doesn't Leia like it?" Rey is on a roll apparently. All of her friends are looking at her like she's crazy. 

"Something about fracking?" Jess replies. 

"Who are we talking about?" Poe asks, looking between Jess and Rey. 

"My step-brother, Ben. He's over there," Jess points Ben out across the room and Rey tries to pretend she hasn't been subconsciously tracking his movements the whole day. 

He's staring at the ceiling as if hoping it will open up and free him from the crowd. Rey can't help but grin. 

"I got to go, friends," Jess says, kissing Rose on the cheek. "So nice to meet you, and you Poe. Lovely to see you two," she says to Finn and Rey, then swishes away in her white gown. 

"Can't believe they're selling," Finn says. "Want to go look in the theatre for old times sake?" 

"There's a theater?" Rose squeaks. 

"Theatre," Finn corrects, "R-E." Finn leads the way to the theatre. 

"This is amazing!" Poe says, following Rose to the front row and slumping in a chair. 

"Hey guys," Rey calls from the doorway, "I'm going to go help Jess pee."

"Ooo, have a good time," Finn shouts. 

Rey turns and follows her familiar path from the theatre up the two sets of stairs to Ben's bedroom. Confident he's two floors below her, she pushes open the door. 

The room is almost completely empty except for the desk against the window and the bookshelves against the wall. For some reason, the absence of a bed and other furniture, bothers her much less than the empty bookshelves. She moves forward, crouching under the sloping ceiling, and places her hand on a clear shelf to convince herself that all the books are really gone. 

"What the  _ fuck _ are you doing in my room?" says a voice behind her. 

Rey whips around, already laughing even though her heart has jumped into her throat. 

"Hey!" 

"Gonna punch me?" Ben asks, leaning against the door frame, staring at her intensely. 

"Goodness, I forgot about that."

"I'll never forget it. I go to the bathroom, return to my room and find this scrawny little thing in my room and she tries to punch me."

Rey chuckles. 

"What are you doing up here?" 

"Just looking one last time. Jess says they're selling?" 

"Apparently," Ben rolls his eyes and looks out the window. "It's just another grand scheme to distract themselves from their meaningless existence."

Rey raises her eyebrows. Ben has always been pretty critical of Mr Pava, but usually he leaves his mother out of it. 

"Jess said you got a new job?" 

Ben sighs, "It’s not new, but it is the talk of the family."

"What do you do?" 

"Can we skip this part and cut to the chase?" He takes a step toward her and Rey takes a step back, bumping into the shelves. 

"Skip what part?" 

"The part where you act like you give a shit about my life," his eyes are harsh. He looks broken somehow. 

"I  _ do _ care about your life."

"Sure," he steps closer so that, although not touching her, he's penning her in between himself and the bookcase. 

"I do!" Rey insists, and shoves him back by his shoulders, "and I'm not up here to have sex with you. I just came to see it one last time. I have a boyfriend and I'm not doing that again. I felt fucking awful about it last time, still do actually."

"Fine," he bites at her. "You care about my life. You came up here because it means  _ oh-so much _ to you. You can't break your little boyfriend's heart. Tell me Rey, does he fuck you like I do? Does he make you come as hard? Does he make you feel like I can? Does he say all the filthy things to you that make you weak at the knees?" 

The answer to all of those questions is no. Poe is a great guy, and he really cares about Rey, but she told him to call her a slut one time when they had sex and it made him so uncomfortable Rey told him to forget about it. He never loses control around her, never bruises her. He hates doing it doggy-style because it's too 'impersonal'. 

Rey doesn't say no though. What she says is, "Are you okay?" and she means it. He seems a bit crazed and definitely out of it. 

Ben stares at her, his face completely unreadable, his mouth slightly open as if she caught him by surprise. Then, some dam inside him must break, because he starts to cry. Actual tears running down his face. 

"Ben!" Rey cries and steps forward to wrap her arms around him. He's only ever shown about four emotions to her: anger, amusement, excitement, and arousal. He's never been like this in front of her. No man has ever shed a tear in front of her, and Rey is at a complete loss as to what to do other than hold him against her. 

"I'm sorry," he says.

"It's okay, Ben," she soothes, stroking his hair. 

"No, I'm sorry I said that to you."

"I forgive you," Rey smiles and presses a kiss to his chin. 

"I've just been so stressed lately with… and being here with Leia I just-" 

"It's okay," Rey says again. "It's fine really. I understand."

"You don't, Rey," he leans away from her and runs his hands down his face. "You have no idea."

"Maybe not," she concedes, "but I understand loneliness."  _ God, who am I? Tallie?  _

Ben eyes her, his face still reddened by his tears. "We've always understood each other pretty well, haven't we?" 

"Always," Rey agrees. 

He looks around and runs a hand through his hair. "Looks weird empty, doesn't it?" 

"It does. Where are all the books?" 

"Boxes. I'll move them to my new place."

"You forgot one!" Rey says, and indeed, a small paperback is lying on the bottom shelf in the corner. She picks it up, turns it over, and finds that it's the copy of  _ To Kill A Mockingbird _ he lent her years ago. "Oh, this one," she smiles, "You can't forget this one, it's your mom's!" 

She says it to show him how much she remembers, expecting him to smile, laugh, and thank her for finding it. Instead he looks at it as if he's never seen it before. 

"I don't want it."

"What?"

"I don't want it."

"But Ben, it's - it's Leia's and it's such a good book, still one of my favorites-" 

"You can have it," he turns away from her and surveys the room. 

"Ben, I can't-" 

"I want you to have it," he turns and looks at her again. His eyes are so intense as if he's trying to see through her head. He looks like her Ben again. "To remember me by."

"I don't need anything to remember you by," Rey insists. "I think about you all the time."  _ Great job with the whole 'I have a boyfriend and I'm over you', Rey _ . "I can't take this-" 

"Please," he whispers it so desperately that Rey's body shudders to a stop. Anything he asked of her with that voice, she would ruin herself to get for him.

"Okay," she nods shakily. "Thank you, Ben."

"We should get back downstairs."

And so she walks out of the room for the last time.

* * *

Jess invites both Rey and Finn to her baby shower two years later. She probably invites Rey since Rey has been putting more of an effort into staying in touch with her after Rey's life, you know, fell to pieces, and she probably invites Finn because she invited Rey. Finn can't go because of a work thing, but Rey decides to take Jess up in it. It would be nice to have someone to hang out with besides Tallie for a change. Not that she doesn't like Tallie, she's the best, but variety is always good and it's been super weird with Finn, Poe and Rose since the whole your-boyfriend-is-bisexual-and-in-love-with-your-male-best-friend thing. Especially since Finn had been so in love back, Rey gave her blessing almost immediately. She's been throwing herself into work lately, hardly speaking to Finn at all, though she assures him she isn't mad at him. 

So that is how she finds herself, once again, completely out of place, surrounded by the 1% at Jessika's baby shower. 

"How are you liking LA?" Rey asks, helping Jess straighten the party favors, something the party planner has already done twice. One of the pros about staying with Jess for the weekend is that their villa is much nicer than any hotel Rey could afford. One of the cons is that she has to help with party decorations. 

"Oh! I love it here. Cassian and I are loving it. I'm going to be so sad when we have to go to Boston."

"So, a year in each place?" 

"Uh huh, a few more cities then we will settle down in London. I honestly have no idea what Cass's dad's company does but whatevs."

Rey laughs, "So, how many people are coming today?" 

"A fair few," Jess plumos some pillows on the couch. "Family mostly, some friends. Ben's bringing Baz probably."

Rey almost chokes, even though she's neither eating nor drinking anything. "Ben's coming?" 

"Ugh, yeah, Leia is sending him in her stead, since she couldn't make it. Honestly, I'd rather her not, and so would he by how happy he seemed about coming, but Leia was like 'it'll be a good way to introduce Baz to the family'. I can't believe he agreed to it, even with Baz wanting to come. He and Leia are barely speaking."

A hard lump is rising in Rey's throat, "Who's Baz?" 

"Bazine, that's his girlfriend. She's actually pretty nice. I have no idea why she's with him, other than the fact he makes a shit-ton."

Rey can barely breathe, something that only gets worse as Jess continues talking. 

"Look, I know you had a crush on him in high school-" 

"What?!" Rey cries, almost knocking over a life-sized replica of the Statue of David. 

"It's no big  _ thing _ !" Jess laughs. "It was a stupid high school crush, and I don't think he knows about it. He's pretty oblivious. Anyway, you should know, he's a total dick now. I don't know what happened to him, but he's like, awful. You saw him at my wedding, that wasn't even the worst. Ever since he got this job, he's been like, a supervillain, I swear."

Rey forces herself to laugh this off, although she'd really like to run to the bathroom and throw up. For the rest of the afternoon, she pretty much hides in the kitchen, something there was a good chance of her doing anyway. She does catch a glance of Ben and Bazine, which makes her want to hurl all over again. 

_ He saw you with  _ your  _ boyfriend!  _

_ Yeah, and he kind of freaked out.  _

_ Should I freak out?  _

_ Probably not.  _

_ I'm going to throw up.  _

_ Yeah, me too. _

When enough of the guests have left for it to no longer be rude, Rey sneaks upstairs to her guest bedroom, flopping down on the bed and deciding that the day could have gone a lot worse. 

There's a knock at the door.  _ Fuck _ . 

"Come in," Rey calls, sitting up on the bed. 

Ben steps in and closes the door behind him. 

"Hey," she says inadequately. 

"Hey," he leans back against the door. 

"Good to see you."

"You too."

"Your girlfriend seems nice," Rey says.  _ Yes Rey, bring up his girlfriend, he's clearly here to talk about his girlfriend.  _

"Mmm. How's yours?" 

Part of Rey wants to say 'my girlfriend?' but she can tell he's not really in a joking mood. "He's gay- well bisexual, actually, but he left me for a guy, Finn, you remember him?" 

"He left you for- Isn't Finn your best friend?" He looks like he's about to punch something, which Rey finds surprising as she thought he'd be happy about her being single. 

_ He has a girlfriend!  _

"It's complicated, and who am I to stand in the way of true love?" 

"That's bullshit."

"Thus is life. Anyway, what are you doing up here?" 

"I wanted to talk to you." 

"Do you think that's a good idea? You know, with Bazine downstairs and all?" 

"Mmm," he crosses his arms in front of his chest. "We made it through last time with no missteps."

"True," Rey admits, "though I believe our definition of 'misstep' might be different than others'." 

He smiles at her, a real one, Iike the ones he used to give her. "I've missed you."

Rey can't keep herself from smiling though she says, "My point exactly."

He watches her sit there with an amused expression on his face. 

Finally, Rey grins and says, "I missed you too. How have you been?" 

"Better… than the last time we spoke."

"Really? Jess says you've been kind of a dick."

"Why do you get all your information on me through Jess?" 

"Because I have so many other news sources to choose from."

"Seems like you guys just sit around and talk about me."

Rey throws her hands up sarcastically. "Oh no! Shoot! You figured it out! I flew all the way out here from New York to gossip about you with your step-sister. I can't believe you guessed it."

"God, you're aggravating sometimes," he smiles broadly and walks to where she's still sitting on the bed. 

"You gonna punch me?" Rey asks. 

He kisses her, and it feels to Rey like her whole life has clicked back into place. It feels like breathing after having her head underwater. Like drinking water after running through the desert. 

"Ben," she whispers against his lips. "We can't do this."

"I know," he replies sadly. "You're just so lovely, sweetheart."

Rey feels a sudden, inexplicable anger seep into her. "Do you call her that? When you kiss her? Do you call other girls that?" 

Ben places both hands on her cheeks, rubbing gently with his thumbs, "No, Rey. I've only ever called you sweetheart." He leans down and kisses her cheek where a tear has fallen. "Sweetheart," he whispers, and Rey kisses him passionately. 

He tastes a little different than he did all those years ago in Mr Pava's office, but familiar all the same. Rey's tongue licks into his mouth to chase more, to discover more changes, similarities. He makes that sound in the back of his throat that she's always loved, and he wraps his arms around her, pulling her against him. It's a bit weird, since she's way too short for him because she's sitting in the bed, so he has to kind of bend both his back and his knees to kiss her, but Rey has never cared about anything less, and she doesn't think Ben cares more than she does. 

He pulls away from her, leaving her a little breathless as she comes back to reality. "Shit, Ben, I'm so sorry. I shouldn't ha-" 

"Don't be sorry," he cuts across her. "Never be sorry about this, Rey, about us."

_ God, I love him so much.  _ "You should go back downstairs."

"Yeah" he runs his hand through his hair. "Right. It was good to see you, Rey."

"Good to see you too," and she waits until she is sure the door has clicked closed before whispering "sweetheart". 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for the comments and kudos! I'm very happy y'all are enjoying this! <3


	6. The Last Time (Rey Counts)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey is stuck up in Alaska with no food, no money, and a big snow storm on the way.

"So, I'm stuck in the Anchorage Airport with no money for food or anything. I'm just glad they have free electricity or I'd be without my phone."

"This isn't funny, Rey," Finn says on the other line. "This trip was seriously badly planned. Maybe if you'd thought about it for more than two minutes, you wouldn't have gone to fucking Alaska in winter."

It is times like this that Rey would like to remind Finn that he lives in an apartment with a man who, two weeks before he declared his undying love for Finn, was strongly hinting at buying her an engagement ring. 

"I wanted to see the northern lights!" 

"Jesus, fine whatever. You're there now and we have to figure this out. I can lend you some money for food for while you're there and-" 

"How am I supposed to be getting this money?" 

"I'll venmo you!"

"Finn! If I had access to my bank account, I could buy myself food."

"Why don't you have your debit or credit cards?" Finn's voice is forced and calm. 

"I cut them up."

"What? Why?" 

_ Because I needed to escape from my life, so I bought a ticket to Alaska, cut my cards, and quit my job.  _

"I don't know," Rey replies. "Can we deal with the problem at hand?" 

"Is there a Western Union in the airport?" 

"A what?" 

"Jesus, Rey, I can wire you cash."

"Really? I don't know."

"Hold on, doesn't Jess live in Alaska?" 

"Jess Pava?" 

"Yeah, I think she mentioned it last time I talked to her."

"When was that?" 

"Less than a year ago so there's a chance she still lives there."

"Can't imagine Jess in Alaska. She's so posh. Does she live in Anchorage?" 

"No idea, but there's like two cities in Alaska right, and they're going to be in one of them so it's 50-50."

"There are more than two cities in Alaska, Finn."

"Big ones?" 

Rey says nothing. 

"Point made," he says. 

"Okay, I'll call Jess."

"Rey? Look, I'm… sorry. I'm just worried about you."

"I know Finn," Rey feels pressure behind her eyes warning her she's about to start crying. "I'm sorry I'm putting this on you. You're right, this trip was so-" her voice breaks as she starts to sob "-stupid. I don't know what I was thinking. Thank you for helping me."

"Hey, hey," he soothes. "It's okay. I'll always be here for you, I promise, okay?" 

"I know."

"Okay, call Jess and please let me know what she says, peanut."

He hasn't called her peanut since their freshman year of college. Rey presses her palm into her eye to stop her tears. 

"I will, thanks Finn."

Jess picks up on the second ring, "Hey Rey!" 

"Jess, hey! I'm in kind of an emergency."

"Oh my God, what's up? Are you okay?" 

"Yeah, I'm fine. I'm just in Anchorage, at the airport, and this massive storm has grounded all the flights, and they don't think they'll be able to get me a flight for four days."

"You're in Alaska?" 

"Yes, and Finn said he thought you lived in Alaska so-" 

"I don't live in Alaska. We live in Houston right now."

Rey's stomach drops.  _ It's fine. You've gone four days without food before. You'll be fine.  _

"Ben lives in Alaska," Jess says. "That must be what Finn meant. I think he lives outside Anchorage. I can call him and see if he can come get you."

Rey's insides feel like they shrivel up and die, "uh, no Jess, I couldn't-" 

"He probably wouldn't mind! He's so much nicer now that he quit his job. He actually calls me just to chat. He'd probably be happy to have the company. Let me call him."

"Um, okay."

"Alright, I'll give him your number if he'll do it, but I'll call you right back either way."

"Thanks, Jess."

Rey sits on the floor of the airport for ten minutes, absolutely sure Jess is going to call and say "actually Ben can't come because his wife…" or something along that line. When her phone rings, she answers it immediately. 

"Jess?" 

"Hey! He said he'd be happy to. I gave him your number and he's going to call you when he's leaving. He said he just has to check the chains on his tires. Something about 'the storm hasn't hit yet but it might by the time we're on the road back.' Anyway, he'll call you in a few minutes."

Rey breathes relieved, but her anxiety begins to mount at the prospect of seeing Ben.

She thanks Jessika and calls Finn to fill him in that she will be saved, not staying in the line too long though, in case Ben calls. It takes him fifteen more minutes to call her. 

"Ben?" 

"Hey sweetheart."

Rey can't hold it in and buries her head in her knees, sobbing. 

"Hey, hey, Rey, it's okay."

"Thank you so much."

"Of course. I'm leaving now. I live about three hours from there on a good day, so it'll probably take me at least four."

"Okay."

"Okay, I'll call you when I get there."

"Ben?"

"Yeah?"

"Can you please bring food?"

* * *

Rey quite literally throws herself into Ben's arms when he arrives. She hasn't showered in four days and probably smells like Plutt's junkyard, but Ben wraps her up in his arms and holds her until she stops crying. Then he loads her into his truck and supplies her with a thermos of stew. She is almost too tired to notice that his face has a deep scar running down his right side. It starts just above his eye and cuts his cheek, down his neck, and disappears under his coat. She decides to ignore it for the time being.

The storm is picking up, the snow falling heavier than Rey's ever seen. It is nothing to what will come later, according to Ben. 

"I think we'll make it home before it gets dangerous though. You have to keep me awake, okay?" He grips the steering wheel tightly and peers through the white snow. 

"I can drive," Rey says through a mouthful of stew. 

"You know how to drive a stickshift?" 

Rey shakes her head. 

"Learning during a blizzard would be a terrible idea. One of my worst probably."

"I'll keep you awake."

"Perfect."

So Rey talks, and talks, and talks. She tells him about Poe and Finn, about her high pressure job in midtown Manhattan, about punching a couple of boys in Plutt's junkyard when she was twelve because they wanted to touch her boobs, about her college classes, about quitting her job, about literally anything she can think of to the point that, after hour four ticks by, she is just saying random nonsense that pops into her head like, "I don't understand why 'bagel' is pronounced bay-gul. Shouldn't it be bag-ul or bage-ul?" Ben contributes less and less as the weather gets worse, and Rey is unsure if he's listening to her at all as she begins to list the top 10 movies that would have been made better if Amy Adams played the heroine. 

"Here's Nikiski," Ben says, cutting across her explaining why the actress should have been in Avatar. 

"You live here?" 

"Mmhm. My dad owns some property on the north side of town. His house is about five miles from mine."

"Oh," Rey says, comprehension dawning. "I forgot your dad lived in Alaska."

"Yeah, you'll like him. He's a tough old guy, but he's got a good heart. He lives in the main house with the dogs. I live in- well, it's pretty much a shack."

"You live in a shack? Never seen a real house before?"

Ben laughs, "Exactly." He turns up a country road, and about ten minutes later, pulls into the space in front of a little wooden house. "Thank God," he says, as he puts the truck in park and unbuckles his seat belt. 

"What? You weren't enjoying my stories?" Rey teases, wrapping up in her coat before exiting the cab. 

"Oh no, they were great," Ben says sarcastically, pulling her bag out of the backseat. "I especially loved the part where you talked about bees for half an hour."

"I honestly don't remember that." Rey follows Ben through the snow to the door. He opens it for her and let's her enter first. It's warm and cozy, with wood and blankets everywhere. There's a small kitchen and a table to the right. A room with a couch and bookshelves to the left, and two doors on the back wall which presumably lead to a bedroom and a bathroom. 

"Oh, it's perfect!" Rey cries, as she pulls her winter gear off. 

Ben's face flushes, "Let's see what you think of it when you aren't sleep deprived. Do you want to sleep or shower?" 

"How bad do I smell?" 

"About a 6 on a scale of 1 to 10."

"That's not bad. Are you saying you'll sleep with me if I don't shower?" 

"Are you saying you don't want to shower? 

"No I don't, but I will if you want me to."

Ben laughs, "You're fine. Let's crash."

"Ugh, sounds good." 

He leads her into the bedroom and plops her bag on a chair. 

"My pj's are not what any rational human would call clean," Rey tells him. "Can I borrow something to sleep in?" 

"Of course," he already has his shirt and pants off, rummaging in his drawer. He pulls out a t-shirt and a pair of boxers and tosses them over to her. 

She changes and then goes to the bathroom to brush her teeth. When she comes out, Ben is brushing his teeth at the kitchen sink. 

"Ben?" 

He looks up at her, his mouth full of white foam. 

"Thank you for coming to get me. I don't know what I would have done if you didn't."

He spits the toothpaste out and says, "of course I'd come and get you."

Rey really wants to ask him why that is, but neither of them are awake enough for this conversation. She walks back into the bedroom and gets under the blankets. 

"You're on my side," he says when he comes in. 

"What are you talking about? I'm always on the right." 

"Always? You mean twice."

"It was more than twice, Ben."

"Move over, Rey."

Rey rolls her eyes and scooches to the other side of the bed. "You just want the warm spot."

Ben chuckles, "obviously."

He climbs into the bed and wraps his arms around her, pulling her back against his chest. Rey thinks he might say something before she drifts off to sleep.

* * *

Rey wakes up in the same position she fell asleep in, meaning she didn't move in her sleep, something pretty rare for her. She turns around to see Ben who has rolled over onto his back during the night. He breathes deeply in sleep, his eyes closed and relaxed. Rey rests her head on his arm and watches his chest rise and fall. She should try to consider the situation, think of a game plan or something, but right now she's so content just being snuggled in a bed next to him. 

"Hey," Ben mumbles to her. 

"Hi, Ben," Rey begins to shift away from him, but he turns and pulls her back to him until her chest is flush against his. 

She hums a little, pressing her nose into his chest. 

"We've never woken up next to each other," he reminds her. "I could do this every day."

Rey leans her head back to look into his eyes and runs a hand through his hair. "Me too."

Then he kisses her, and it's soft and warm. Something about the way he presses into her as if she is salvation makes her heart ache. She leans into it, opening her mouth to deepen it. 

"Mmm," he wraps his arms tightly around her, cradling her against him. 

Rey breaks the kiss to smile at him. His eyes are still bleary from sleep. He smiles back at her lazily, one hand tracing up and down her spine beneath her shirt. 

"You're so warm," she tells him. 

He doesn't respond but runs his hair through her hair to push it away from her face. 

Rey gets a look out the window from the corner of her eye and does a double take. "God, is it still snowing?" 

"Probably," Ben closes his eyes and lets his hand rest in her lower back. "The forecast predicted at least four feet."

"Four feet? You aren't serious!" 

"I am." 

"We'll get snowed in."

"Mmhm, and then you'll have to stay forever."

That strange piercing anger that crept up on her after Jessika's baby shower hits Rey again. "You shouldn't say stuff like that to me, Ben," she says, her tone biting. She scoots away from him and sits up. "It gives me very mixed signals."

Ben stares at her, his brow deeply furrowed, "what are you talking about?" 

Rey actually rolls her eyes, "I  _ mean _ saying stuff like 'you should stay here forever', or 'I could do this every day', or 'I've only ever called you sweetheart', when you do not want me, which you have made very clear." At this point, Ben opens his mouth to respond but Rey continues, "And honestly I'm fine with it, and I really appreciate that you were there for me, but just please don't say stuff like that to me, okay?"

Ben sits up, "I meant all that stuff."

Rey rolls her eyes again, "Right, which is why you always wanted my number and to see me…" 

"Rey, you said that stuff right back to me." 

"No!" Rey gets up and out of the bed, "I was always up front about what I wanted, but you're right, I shouldn't have slept with you. I should have slept on the couch."

Ben moves toward her but instead she turns and stomps out into the main room. 

"What?" Ben shouts, following her out. "Rey, seriously-"

"No, I'm serious Ben! You have always kept me at arms length! You never tell me anything!" 

"I told you why we couldn't be together back then!" Ben balls his hands into fists although he looks mostly confused. 

"Right!" Rey is so angry she's shaking now. "You told me your mom will try to separate us, as if we were both kids instead of fucking adults!"

"You were eighteen at the time!" Ben yells back, his face flushed red. "I didn't want you to be involved with what I was involved wi-" 

"’What you were involved with’? You think you can say that and it won't sound like you're not telling me everything?" 

"I couldn't tell you, Rey. I still can't! You would leave immediately!" 

"Of course I wouldn't leave Ben! I'm in love with you!" 

_ Shit, shit, shit. Did she actually just say that? Did she actually just yell that into his face? _

Ben is frozen, his mouth slightly open, his brow still furrowed.

On the other hand, some dam inside Rey has broken and her mouth is now spewing her emotions at him before her brain can comprehend them.

"I've loved you this whole time. I've always wanted you, and you never wanted me, so I took what I could get! We stole moments together in hidden rooms while our friends and families weren't looking, and I always - always wanted more, but you were the one that didn't. I still love you, Ben, after all this time. I love you."

Ben's eyes have become slightly glassy, his face resembling the stony expression he wore at Jess's wedding. "Don't," is what he says, and whatever Rey imagined his reaction to her declaration would be, this is not it. 

"Don't what?" she spits at him, the ache in her chest threatening to tear her apart. 

"Don't love me, Rey," he looks away from her, eyes sad and broken. "You're right, I shouldn't… say those things to you. I say them because I'm weak. I want you so much, Rey, but you are way too good for me, and the things that I've done, how can I be with someone like you after doing them? Someone beautiful and smart and gentle, after I've - no. No, I can't contaminate you. I shouldn't even be allowed around someone like you, Rey, but I needed you so much, I couldn't stop myself."

Rey presses her palms into her eyes as tears fall out of them and trace wet lines down her cheeks. Her breaths are shallow gasps, her heart pounding. "You want me?" she can't stop herself from asking. She looks at him.

He doesn't respond but continues to stare at her. He looks somehow like he's crumbling. 

"If you want me, Ben, then you have to let me decide. You have to tell me and let me make my own decisions. Otherwise, I can't, I just can't do this to myself anymore."

"Rey," he sighs, running his hands through his hair. "Rey." 

"Please, Ben."

He looks at her for a few more moments before motioning for her to sit down at the small table. He begins to make coffee as he speaks, "When I was ten, I was expelled from my elementary school for fighting. My parents had to move so I could go to a new school, and that caused a lot of problems in their marriage, especially for my mom. A year later, they separated, and a little while after that, my mom met and married Dan Pava. Instead of the expulsion teaching me not to fight, it taught me to be more careful about getting caught. By the time I was fourteen, I was in a fight club, literally."

He slides a mug of coffee to Rey, who stays silent while telling her his story. He sits down across from her. 

"I hid it from my mom by telling her I was in boxing, which was where all the cuts and bruises came from. This also gave me leeway to fight after school instead of going home, since she thought I had practice. My mom found out about the club my senior year, only a bit before I met you. She actually found out because I'd gotten so good at it that I never had bruises after school anymore, which when she asked about them, I told her it was because I was good at boxing so she wanted to come to a match."

Rey suddenly remembers throwing a punch at him, and his easy, effortless block. She had thought at the time that he was just strong, but looking back, he clearly knew what he was doing. 

"She forbade me to associate with any of my friends at the time, kept a close eye on me, and certainly would have been horrified if she knew I even been in a room alone with you, let alone had sex with you. She was afraid of me and ashamed how little she knew me or what to do about me." Ben runs his hand over his face and takes a long drink of coffee. "What she didn't know was that I had contact with some people who knew about the club, people who thought our band of fighters might be put to some good use working for them. They offered me a job and I took it. Told them I could start in the fall and told everyone I was going to college."

"But you didn't?" Rey asks, astounded. 

"No, I moved west with my 'friends' and started doing whatever they asked of us. Whatever they asked, Rey. Sometimes they'd give us a name and two weeks later, that person was dead. Sometimes they'd specify how long they would like us to put someone in a hospital. They paid us in cash" Ben is no longer looking at her, but watching the snow continue to fall outside. His words flow easily, as if they've been waiting deep within him, festering and clamoring to be let out. "My mother figured it out after the little garden party they threw for Jess going off to college, though she'd been suspicious for a while. She threatened to disown me, disinherit me, never speak to me again. I didn't care, I was making more money per month than her inheritance would ever amount to. I think she would have cut me off entirely if it hadn't been for Dan and Jess. My mother hadn't told them about me and my job, and couldn't bring herself to either, so she told them and anyone else who asked that I got a job with a lobbyist group. She threw in that we lobbied for fracking so that it wasn't that weird for people when she got upset about it. 

"So, that is what I've done, Rey. I've killed US government officials with my bare hands. I've put numerous people into comas. I didn't tell you because I couldn't bear to see the look that was on my mother's face when she found out to be on your face. I couldn't tell you but I was too weak to let you go."

He still gazes out the window and Rey watches his face. It looks worn and tired.

She asks, "How did you end up here?" 

He sighs, "My conscience caught up with me and I whistle-blew on the whole operation. So on top of everything, I'm a coward and a snitch, Rey. They sent me up here for witness protection for a while, but there was too much incriminating evidence against me, even though I planted most of it on this one guy I worked with. I was able to work out a plea deal with the court and only got 18 months. I was released in ten, and then I wasn't qualified to do anything and had a criminal record, so I came back up here. I have enough money in offshore accounts that I don't have to work, plus it's pretty cheap to live here except for food."

"When I saw you at Jess's wedding and her baby shower, you were doing this?" 

"Yes."

“Is that how you got this?” she points at the scar on his face.

“I got this in prison. They don’t really like snitches in there.”

Rey breathes in sharply. "How many people did you kill?" 

"Indirectly, no idea. Directly, thirteen."

Rey has been trying to keep her face neutral, but she can't stop her eyes from widening at this. 

Ben finally looks at her and she's never seen more dejection in someone's eyes before. "Yeah," Ben says sadly, "that's the look." 

"Ben," Rey tries to think of some to say, but only comes up with, "but you're out of it now, right?" 

"Yes," he nods, looking away from her again. "Snoke, the leader, died a few months after he was sentenced. The others have life sentences. I'm out of it for good."

Rey looks down at her hands cupped around her coffee mug. The silence between them stretches and Rey tries to figure out her own thoughts and something to say.

Finally, Ben says, "Look, I understand. If you want, you can sleep in the bedroom for the rest of the time you're here and I'll sleep on the couch. When the storm stops and the roads are cleared, I'll take you back into Anchorage and you'll never have to see me again."

Rey meets his gaze, "Is that what you want?" 

Ben sighs again. "Of course not, Rey, but all that I am is broken and fucked and you-" 

"What if I don't care?" Rey asks forcefully. 

"What?"

"I'm broken and fucked up too, Ben. What if I don't want to never see you again?" 

"Rey, I-" 

"Do you want me, Ben?" She's crying freely now but makes no effort to wipe the tears from her cheeks. 

"Of course," Ben breathes. "Of course, I want you, sweetheart. I love you."

Rey gets up and goes to him. He pulls her sideways into his lap and cradles her against him as she presses her face into the crook of his neck and cries. He rubs up and down her back with both hands, and it takes Rey a while to notice that tears are also slowly streaking down his face. She raises her head and kisses them away, softly, cupping his cheeks gently in her hands.

"I love you," she whispers to him. "I love you so much."

"Rey, I've loved you for so long."

"We have a lot of lost time to make up for then," Rey smiles and then kisses him. 

He squeezes her tight against him and kisses her cheek, down her jaw and onto her neck. "Let me turn," Rey says, and he drops his arms off her so that she can swing her left leg around and straddle him. As soon as she is properly situated, he pulls her flush against him and crushes their lips together. He licks at hers to open and she complies, tangling her tongue deliciously with his. He groans and pushes her hips down to grind against his ever increasingly tented pajama pants. 

Rey makes soft little moans and squeaks as his hands roam everywhere on her body: on her thighs, up under her shirt to knead her breasts and rub her nipples, up her head to cup the base of her neck. It's been far too long since someone touched her this way, as if each inch of her skin was something to be prized. He pulls her shirt off over her head and kisses down her chest to her breasts, sucking a nipple into his mouth and rolling his tongue over it. Rey throws her head back and arches her back to press her chest into his face, threading her hands through his hair and rocking her hips to give them both a little friction. 

She grabs the back of his shirt and tugs. Ben leaves her breasts for a moment to rip it off before returning. Rey sighs as his naked torso comes into contact with hers, his skin sliding against hers. She tugs his head away from her chest and attacks his lips with hers, sliding her hands over his shoulders as his muscles ripple underneath them. The boxers she's wearing are wet between her legs and he must be able to feel it through his own thin pants. 

"Let's go to the bedroom," Rey says, knowing that she'll soon lose the ability for rational thought. 

Ben nods and allows her to stand up. He stands as well, but then catches her face with both hands and kisses her. Rey places her hands on his forearms as he walks backward, leading her into the bedroom without breaking the kiss. He does break away from her then to push his pants and underwear off, his dick springing free and standing against his stomach. Rey's mind short circuits at the sight. She kneels in front of him and he stares at her amazedly, as if he still can't believe this is happening. He sits down on the bed and she situates herself between his legs. 

Rey licks up the underside of his dick, causing Ben to make a strange strangled sound that makes Rey's pussy clench. She opens her mouth around the head and slowly slides it into her mouth until her gag reflex kicks in. She pinches her thigh and wills her throat to relax before sliding down farther, taking as much of him as she can. She breathes through her nose and ignores her instincts trying to stop her until her nose reaches his pubic hair. 

"Holy shit, sweetheart," Ben slurs. He's staring at her lips stretched around the base of his cock. "You took the whole thing."

Rey's given a total of one blowjob in her life. She didn't really enjoy it that much, which she'd done a terrible job of hiding from Poe, who never asked her for one again. This though, is completely different. Ben's dick fills her mouth to the point of pain in her jaw and she can feel the head all the way down her throat. The taste of him, the feeling of him, his half-crazed eyes looking at her like she's some sort of sex God, his groans as the head rubs against the back of her throat, it's making her cunt clench and flutter and making heat flood into the pit of her stomach. 

Rey bobs just a little, concentrating hard on breathing through her nose so that she doesn't splutter and have to pull off. She snakes her hands between her legs and presses her palm into her clit, giving herself much needed pressure. Rey moans around Ben's length. 

Ben pushes her head off of him and says, "Come up here."

Ben lays back on the bed and scoots so that only his ankles and feet hang off. Rey stands and pulls off her boxers and panties and then moves to crawl over him. 

"No," Ben says because she stops when her chest is lined up with his. “Come all the way up here."

Rey flushes as she realizes what he wants, which is ridiculous considering how well they know each other and the things they've done to each other in the past. She continues to crawl. Ben puts his hands on her hips and guides her until her knees are on either side of his head and her cunt is hovering above him. Ben groans when he sees her glistening as her thighs begin to shake a little. 

"God Rey, you are so beautiful. Your little cunt is so perfect for me."

Rey can only moan. Ben grips her hips and pulls her center down onto his mouth. Her moan becomes a squeak as he pressed his tongue flat against her clit and flicks it in and out of his mouth. Rey can't stop herself from grinding down into his mouth. She's a bit afraid of suffocating him but she needs more of what he's giving her. He grabs her butt and spreads her open. "Fuck," Rey moans. She's never been so exposed to anyone before, not even to Ben. His tongue moves down and laps at her hole, drinking in her wetness. Ben grunts into her slit as he moves back to tease her clit with his tongue. The vibrations of his sounds make Rey buck a little, though she's trying to keep still from the waist down. Ben responds by alternating between pressing his tongue into her and opening his mouth around both her clit and her lips and  _ sucking _ . 

Rey is physically incapable of doing anything other than rock back and forth to help him and moan "Mother fucker mother fucker" repeatedly. One of his hands sneaks between her legs and he inserts two fingers at once into her hole while flicking her clit with his tongue. He focuses on her front wall, his practiced fingers quickly finding that spongy spot within her that makes her completely lose it. He rubs it continuously as he sucks on her clit, and Rey loses the ability to form words. Then her pussy clenches around his fingers and her legs shake uncontrollably. Ben groans as she  _ gushes _ into his open mouth and he clamps his lips around her hole to catch and drink all of it. A moan rips out of Rey, who for the first time in her life doesn't have to worry about coming too loudly. 

She reaches behind her to touch his dick but Ben grunts "no" and pushes her over so that she rolls onto her back next to him. "Give me a second. If you touch me right now, I'll come," he explains, sitting up. 

"I want you to," Rey mumbles, still in a state of post-orgasm euphoria. 

"I know," he chuckles, "but I want to fuck you. Would you like that?" 

"Mmm," Rey replies, closing her eyes. 

"Rey," Ben tries to get her attention. "Should I use a condom?" 

"No," she whines, only semi-conscious of her words, "want your come."

"Fuck, Rey," Ben whispers, running his hands up and down her stomach and chest. He sits up and leans against the headboard of the bed so that his legs are tangled perpendicularly with hers. "Have you done that before?" 

"What?" Rey asks, more present now. 

Ben nods down at the place where her legs are pressed together, and Rey flushes. 

"No," she tells him, "never. I'm sorry if it was weird."

"Weird? Are you kidding? That's like a fantasy."

She laughs. 

"I like being the only one," he says quietly. 

"Mmm, I know."

"Like back in high school, I knew you had only had sex with me, and I know it was only like four times, but I used to think that you were mine because of it."

"Even when I had a boyfriend?" she teases, poking his side. 

"Because of it," Ben catches her hand and holds it against his chest. "I thought 'she doesn't do it with him but she does it with me; she belongs to me.'"

"I do belong to you, now at least. And you belong to me," she squeezes his hand holding hers. 

He grins at her, "So you'll stay?" 

"Yes," she nods earnestly. "I'll stay as long as you want me."

"A while then," his grin widens into a smile. 

"I belonged to you back then, too," Rey thinks aloud. "I didn't know it, but I did."

Ben raises her hand to his lips and presses a kiss to her fingers. "I belonged to you too. I did know it. I knew and you didn't. I should have told you. I'm sorry."

Rey sits up and cups his face in her palms, her eyes stare into his with the same intensity with which he always looks at her. "Don't be sorry. Don't ever be sorry. I'm so happy to be here in this moment with you." She laughs, "God, that's cheesy, but still, I wouldn't trade it for anything."

"I'm so in love with you, sweetheart," he says, putting his hands on her waist and pulling her into his lap so she is once against straddling him. His dick is trapped between their stomachs, still hard and leaking. 

"Sweetheart," Rey repeats, and he kisses her so lovingly, as if trying to communicate just how much he feels for her, that Rey almost begins to cry. She returns the emotion, thinking of how she used to feel like they were one being split into two minds. He brushes her hair out of her face and runs his hands through it and then down her back. She pulls away from the kiss and keeps eye contact with him as she imitates the motion on him. He chuckles, but Rey is sure he understands what she means. 

Then she lifts herself up and reaches between her legs to line him up with her center. Ben places his hands on her hips and guides her as she slowly sinks down on it, moaning breathily at the stretch and how he fills her to the brim like always. She stills when he's completely buried in her. It's been a long time, and she needs a moment to get used to this again. Ben had closed his eyes as she sank onto him, but he opens them now and looks at the place where they are connected as if certain he's dreaming. 

"I used to feel," he says, "as if you were a part of me." 

"I felt that too," Rey tells him, surprised. 

He looks up at her, also surprised. They sit there, gazing into each other's eyes, until finally Rey rolls her hips a little. Ben wraps his arms around her, holding her to him, their chests pressed together, and kisses her while he moves his hips up and down slowly, only as much as the mattress will allow. Rey helps him by matching his rhythm while lifting herself up and letting herself fall back down. He kisses down her jaw and then buries his face in her neck, clinging to her as he speeds up. Rey grips his shoulders and presses her face into the top of his head, breathing in the scent of his hair. He shifts a little so that his dick brushes her cervix and makes stars burst in her eyes. He must do it on purpose, Rey thinks, and that along with the feeling make her moan and arch her back to help him hit it again. He does, over and over again, making little whiny gasps break out of her throat and causing the heat in her body to rise. She clenches his shoulders so hard that her fingernails will leave bruises. 

Ben pulls away from her neck to look at her face, his pupils completely blow so his irises look black. "Come for me, Rey," he tells her, kissing her jaw softly. 

"Come with me," she replies.

He lets go with a groan, and at the feeling ropes of his come inside her, filling her even more when she was already full of him, Rey comes too. 

He continues to hold her and roll his hips into her lazily even after he's stopped coming. He peppers kisses on her cheeks and down her jaw. Rey hums happily, kissing him back whenever any part of his skin is near enough, his cheeks, his nose, his ears and jaw. Ben lays back against the headboard, and Rey tucks her head under his chin. She's still splayed over him, his dick, soft now, is inside her, but Rey has no desire to lift her hips up to let it out. 

"Are you hungry?" Ben asks her. 

"Yes," Rey replies without moving, "And I really need to take a shower." 

"I'll make something while you shower."

"Okay," she still doesn't move. "What time is it? It's still dark, it's so hard to tell."

Ben glances at his alarm clock, "it's about 10, should start to get light pretty soon."

"It doesn't get light," she complains. "It looks like dawn for a while and then the sun sets again."

"I know. You should see it in the summer. It's the opposite. I have shades so I can sleep at night."

"I will see it in the summer, won't I?" Rey lifts her head to look at him. 

He smiles broadly, his eyes crinkling and his dimples showing, "Of course you will."


	7. For Good

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey and Ben settle down in their life together. Get's kind of deep toward the middle.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone, thank you so much for all the kudos and comments. I'm really glad you are enjoying this fic. This idea started out as smut with a bit of plot, but it kind of got away from me, especially in this chapter. :)

Rey cancels her ticket back to the continental US, and she and Ben spend the next day of the blizzard reading, eating, and and having sex. All of Ben's books are here on bookshelves in the living room. Rey reads  _ One Hundred Years of Solitude _ , which she never ended up borrowing before. Ben reads Robert Frost with his head in Rey's lap and her fingers in his hair. 

When it stops snowing, Ben takes the truck out and plows the driveway and the road on the property from the county road to his father's house. 

"He's doing fine," Ben says when he returns. "Has enough food to last 'til spring, probably, and the dogs to keep him company. He wants to meet you."

Rey is at the stove making more stew, as Ben has ample ingredients for it in his house. "You told him about me?" 

"I did," Ben kisses her forehead. "He invited us around for supper tomorrow." Rey widens her eyes at Ben to show her nervousness and he laughs, "He's going to love you, Rey."

Rey is unsure what to expect of Han Solo, the ex-drug-smuggler, ex-husband of Leia. Ben had said he was rough with a good heart. Rey thinks that's a pretty accurate summation. Han seems overjoyed that Ben has someone staying - or living - with him, and is happy to listen to all Rey's stories of how they know each other. He has three dogs, all elderly. Threepio and Artoo, Ben informs Rey while Han is in the kitchen, used to be Leia's but Han got them in the divorce. Chewie has apparently been with Han for ages and is clearly Han's favorite, though he loves the other two as well. The property, Rey finds out, used to belong to Ben's maternal grandfather, who left it to Leia's brother when he died. The property was left in Leia's possession after Luke's death, and Han received ownership when they separated. The house where Ben lives was where Luke had lived. He'd become a hermit later in his life and had barely communicated with anyone up until about two days before he died, when he contacted Leia again. 

"This place always made her sad," Han says, serving Rey and Ben pot roast. "It reminded her of Luke and their father. She was more than happy to sign it away to me." Han doesn't seem to mind talking about Leia, but it clearly makes Ben uncomfortable so they steer the conversation in another direction. 

"How long are you staying?" Han asks Rey jovially while she helps him clean up as Ben takes the dogs out. 

"Uh, I'm not sure," Rey says, blushing. 

"You mean you're here for good?" Han smiles at her. 

"I hope so," Rey nods. "I love your son and I-" 

"Good," Han interrupts. "He needs someone who loves him. He's a good kid, got into some shit, which you might know about-" 

"I do."

"Good," Han says again. "I'm glad he told you. There's a lot of good in him. I can't tell you how happy I was when he quit all that shit and came home, but he punishes himself for what he's done. I'm not saying he's blameless. I'm just saying that… well, he's my son, and I love him."

Rey nods, "I understand."

Han claps her on the back, "I'm glad you're here, Rey."

Rey calls Finn to tell him that she's staying in Alaska, of which he is not overly supportive. Rey talks to him less and less often as the weeks pass by. It feels to her that her life is separated into  _ Ben _ and  _ not-Ben _ , and Finn was always a part of the  _ not-Ben _ side, while she now lives fully in the  _ Ben _ side. He'll always be her friend and be important to her, but she's moved into a new part in her life that doesn't necessarily include him. 

Ben and Han take her into the small town where there is an M&M store, which fascinates Rey to no end, and a bar run by a small woman named Maz. When the snow melts, Rey gets a job bartending at Maz's Cantina, not for the money but just for something to do. She meets the other locals and becomes friends with a woman about her own age named Kaydel who works for the local oil company. 

Han suggests that he switch houses with them at the end of April. "What do I need all this space for?" he asks them. The main house on the property is a four-bedroom farmhouse. "You two, on the other hand, need a bit more space, 'specially once you start giving me some grandkids."

Rey blushes violently and Ben rolls his eyes, but they agree, after Han brings it up a few more times, that it's a good idea. They spend the next month thoroughly cleaning both houses and moving their possessions from one house to the other. Rey has never felt more like she has a family. Han loves to tease her and discuss with her anything from bees to politics. He always seems happy to have her around. Ben treats every day that she's living with him like a gift. Han has walked in on them making out so many times now, mostly because Ben can't keep his hands off her when they're alone, that it no longer phases him in the slightest. 

"Can't believe she's been here for three months and you two are still going at it like bunnies," Han tells Ben when he thinks Rey is out of earshot. 

"Dad," Ben says warningly, though Rey, who can hear them, can also hear the smile in his voice. 

"No, no, it's good. You're so passionate about each other, it's wonderful. Really, I'm so happy for you, kid. Especially because it's Rey, that girl's a keeper."

"I knew you'd like her from the moment I met her," Ben tells his father. "She tried to punch me, you know."

Han barks a laugh, "Did she really? She's a fighter, for sure." 

Rey convinces Ben to get a job as well to get him out of the house and around people other than Han and herself. He ends up getting a job at the Kenai Community Library, which is about half an hour away. It’s pretty much the only place around that will hire someone with a felony, but it’s the perfect job for Ben anyway. Life rolls on smoothly, and it isn't until June that Rey realizes she's really and truly happy for the first time in her life. 

It's a cool summer night, and Rey and Han sit out on the porch of Rey's and Ben's home with the dogs at their feet. Ben had to work late at the library and wouldn't be home for supper, so Rey invited Han over. They sit in silence for a long time, listening to the bugs humming around them. 

Finally, Han begins to speak, "You may have formed some opinions about Ben's mother, having lived here and probably only hearing his side of the story, but I want you to know that she's a good woman, who always loved Ben fiercely and tried to do what was best for him."

Rey says nothing, but looks at Han interestedly. She has indeed only heard Ben's side of this story. 

Han sighs, "Leia's father was named Anakin Skywalker. He married Leia's mother, Padmé, when he was 19, and subsequently became involved with a group very much like the one Ben joined after high school. He wanted money, you understand, to provide for his then-pregnant wife. He was blackmailed under threat of Padmé's death, to kill a man who had once been his friend. He backed out at the last minute, and Padmé was killed, though the twins she was carrying survived. Anakin, for obvious reasons, was unfit to remain in custody of the children, so they were sent to be raised by his step-brother. With his children gone and his wife dead, him feeling responsible for her death, he turned again to black ops and espionage. When Luke became an adult, he set out to find and reconcile with his father, which he did. Anakin, upon meeting his grownup son, quit the role he had come to perform, and moved here. He and Luke remained, well, not really close but friendly until his death. Leia, however, always held him responsible for the death of her mother, not really for backing out of the murder, but for getting involved with the group in the first place. You can see then, why her son showing violent tendencies would scare her to the point of almost mania. She didn't want Ben to go down the road of her father, to risk the lives of everyone he loved, to suffer like she believed her father did. In her fear, however, she overlooked something fundamentally different between Ben and Anakin, something that, in the end, I believe was the reason he was able to walk away from it all when Anakin was not. 

"What's that?" Rey asks, her voice a little gravely from disuse. 

"Anakin craved power and control. He saw money as the lifeline to both of those things as he would have power being rich, the power to control his life. Ben, on the other hand, wanted to destroy things. He cared very little about the outcome of his destruction. He destroyed for the sake of it, not for control or power or money. It was a difference I didn't find important until much later. Why did both of them want what they wanted? Well, Anakin felt he didn't have control of his life. He didn't know who to trust. He wanted power and control so that he didn't need to trust anyone. Ben wanted to destroy things because he hated his surroundings. He hated that I was gone for long periods of time. He hated that Leia and I fought almost constantly, and after we separated, he hated that we were no longer together. To Anakin's issue, what is the cure? Give him power and control. Well that wasn't really an option at the time. For Ben, however, the cure is to change his surroundings. Well, once he worked that out, he stopped wanting to destroy everything, but you must understand, that at the time, this was almost impossible to figure out. Leia really did her best with what she was given."

Rey says nothing for a long time, looking out across the woods into the bright night. Finally she asks, "Do you think she should have forgiven him? Her father, I mean."

Han thinks a while before responding, "Yes, I do. I think everyone is deserving of forgiveness."

"Everyone?" 

"Well, no, I take that back. I think most people who are genuinely remorseful should be forgiven. If they don't feel sorry for what they have done, or if they keep doing it repeatedly even though they do feel sorry, then perhaps they don't deserve it. Most people, I think, will punish themselves more for what they have don't than others will even think necessary."

"Hmm," Rey replies. 

"Of course, there are things for which forgiveness is impossible, but then again, forgiveness is much more for the forgiver than the forgiven. The forgiver does it to move on with their life."

Rey thinks about that for a while. "I suppose," she says after a period of silence, "your definition of forgiveness is different from mine. You seem to be talking about just letting something go, when for me forgiveness is something more."

"What else could forgiveness be but to be letting go?" 

"There's an important difference. One says 'what you did was not okay but I no longer care', and the other says 'what you did was okay'."

"But if something someone did affected you, and you became the person you are today because of it, and you are happy with the person you are today, doesn't that mean it was okay? I'm not saying that means they should have done it, and that if they get the chance they should do it again, I'm just saying, in some way, it was okay."

"I disagree," Rey says forcefully, surprised at how strongly she feels. "Think about Bambi. Sure, he ended up happy enough, but that doesn’t mean he should forgive the hunters for killing his mother!" 

"Hmm, that's a good point, Rey," Han nods. "Perhaps you are right. Perhaps, what I mean is really more about letting go. It would be better for the victim in that case to try to move on, though they certainly may never feel forgiveness. It's a good point to think about."

Rey is quite surprised she was actually able to change his mind with a Disney movie and struggles to remember how they came to the topic. "So, it would have been beneficial for Leia to let go of the resentment she held for her father," Rey summarizes when she remembers. 

"Yes, I think so. Even if she never spoke to him again, it would have been good for her." 

Rey closes her eyes. She harbors a lot of resentment. Resentment toward her parents for abandoning her. Resentment toward Finn for not being there when she needed him most. Resentment toward the Pavas and their wealthy lifestyle that always made her feel so unaccepted. Resentment toward Plutt for treating her like garbage and kicking her away the first chance he got. Resentment toward Poe for pretending to love her when she was also pretending to love him. How much better would she feel if she let that all go? 

She doesn't realize she's crying until Han is out of his chair and hugging her. 

"Oh, kiddo," he says, stroking her hair. "I didn't mean to upset you."

Rey tried to say something, to explain herself, but all that comes out is a dry sob, and Han says, "It's okay, Rey. You don't have to tell me. Just let yourself cry. Sometimes it's the best way to get it out." He hugs her until she stops and then pats her back. 

"I'm sorry," she mumbles. 

"Don't be. I want you to know I'm glad you're part of our family."

Rey gives him a watery smile. 

"Ah, here's Ben," Han says as a car pulls in the driveway and the dogs pick up their heads. "I'm sorry I upset you."

"You didn't," Rey replies as Ben climbs out of the truck and walks toward the house. "I just realized there are a lot of things I can let go of."

Ben walks up the porch steps and raises his eyebrows at them, confused. 

Han smiles at him, "Feels good not to carry so much, doesn't it? Especially when you don't need it and it's heavy."

Rey nods and then stands to press her face into Ben's chest. He wraps an arm around her and kisses the top of her head. 

"You alright, sweetheart?" 

"I'm alright." 

"I should get going," Han says, touching Ben's shoulder before walking down the stairs, the dogs at his heels. "Thanks for dinner, kid."

"Thanks for… everything, Han," Rey calls after him. 

"What was that about?" Ben asks, his voice concerned. 

Rey explains her conversation with Han, skirting around the discussion of Leia where it pertained to Ben, making it sound more like they were only discussing Leia's relationship with Anakin. 

"So, you're going to let go of your resentment?" Ben asks when she's finished. 

"I'm going to try. Like Han said, I don't need it anymore."

Ben furrows his eyebrows and she knows he's thinking of the resentments he holds. She also knows he's not ready to talk about it. 

So she says "How was work?"

* * *

Rey and Ben have Kaydel and her wife Larma over for dinner, after which they have their first real fight since being  _ officially  _ together. Ben liked the two women, but was annoyed Rey had invited them over to help them plant rose bushes around the house the next weekend. Rey was annoyed because Ben had liked them, and she didn't see why he wouldn't want them around more. 

"I don't see why you don't want to have friends!" Rey yells as she scrubs a particularly stuck bit of rice from a pan. 

"It's not that I don't want you to have friends, I just don't see why you have to bring them here!" Ben replies loudly as he wipes the table down. 

"What are you talking about? Kaydel is my friend but I want them to be  _ our _ friends-" 

"Rey, they're  _ your _ friends, and it's great you have friends, but  _ I _ don't-" 

"You don't want friends?!" Rey slams the pan into the dishwater, causing it to spill out of the sink and down her front. 

"I don't have friends, Rey."

"Oh, that's it, isn't it? You don't think you deserve friends." 

"Rey, come on, I don't deserve you or any of this and it's best for me not to get involved with your friends."

"Why? Because when we break up it won't be complicated?" 

Ben's eyebrows furrow and he shrugs. 

"You planning on breaking up with me, Ben?" Rey asks this quietly, leaning back against the sink and staring at the floor. 

"Of course not," Ben answers immediately, "but Rey, I don't deserve-" 

"I'm so tired of you saying that," she looks up at him fiercely. "I don't want to hear about you not deserving this."

"I don't."

"Well, what do I deserve?" 

"What?" 

"I deserve to be happy, don't I? I deserve love and -" Rey suddenly begins to cry "-a family, don't I?" 

"Of course you do."

"And you deserve those things too, Ben. I'm so happy here with you. I'm so wanted and loved, and you are too! Why would either of us ever walk away from that?" 

Ben looks like he'd very much like to close the distance between them and wrap Rey up in his arms but he stays on the other side of the kitchen. "I wouldn't," he says, "I won't, not ever."

"Why can't you believe that I won't either?" Tears slide down Rey's cheeks but she keeps her arms crossed over her chest. 

"I guess it's just… too good to be true."

Rey smiles sadly, "But it is true. It's like… like Tonks and Lupin." 

Ben laughs, "Am I Lupin in this scenario?" 

"Yes, and you don't think you deserve to be loved and valued because you are a monster, but you do, because you are kind and sweet and so loving."

"Who are Kaydel and Larma then?" 

Rey rolls her eyes and throws her hands up, "I don't know! Mr and Mrs Weasley? Han can be Sirius? It's not like I've thought this through, okay? That's not really the point of this analogy!" 

Ben grins at her, but then his face falls a little, "I'm sorry. I guess I just-" 

"You don't have to be sorry or explain yourself. I understand."

"I know but I don't want to fight."

"Fighting part of a healthy relationship. It means you care about the relationship and its future."

"My parents used to fight all the time," Ben says quietly, looking away from her. 

"We aren't your parents." 

"I know."

"We're letting go of our past."

"Right."

"We won't let fear dictate our future or how we treat others."

Ben nods but still looks into the living room. 

"Ben," Rey insists. "I don't want to have this conversation again."

Ben actually laughs, "Fine, I won't bring it up again. 

"That isn't what I mean," Rey shakes her finger at him smiling. "I don't want you to feel that way anymore."

"I know, but what am I supposed to do about it?" 

"Sometimes the best way to let go of something is to recognize it as real and say 'it's there but I'm not looking at it right now'."

"You and my dad should write a book." 

It's Rey's turn to laugh, "We'd talk the whole time and never get anything written."

Ben finally walks to her and holds her, even though the front of her shirt is wet. Rey presses her face into his neck and breathes him in. He shifts her away from him slightly, which Rey understands to mean he wants to kiss her, and she lets him, leaning back against the sink to give him room to come to her. It begins soft and loving but quickly becomes hungry as their kisses often do. Ben places his hands on the counter on either side of her, trapping her, and presses her into it as he slides his tongue into her willing mouth and licks her own. Rey moans against his mouth, full of his taste and body flush against his. Ben breaks the kiss and smiles at her, and Rey can tell by his eyes that he's in a playful mood, so she gives him permission to tease her by saying coyly, "Do you want me, Ben?" 

Something resembling a growl leaves Ben's mouth as he runs his hands down her sides and then grabs the hem of her shirt to lift it up over her head. He then pins her against the counter with his hips, wedges a knee between her legs, and kneads both of her breasts with his hands. 

Rey hums at little as his thumbs sneak under the cups of her bra and rub against her nipples. She bends her knees to press her center into his thigh, giving her some much needed pressure and friction. Ben lifts his knee so that she can stand again, and she rolls her hips down onto him, causing her to moan. He immediately pulls his leg out from between her legs and holds her hips against the kitchen counter. Rey whines. 

Ben chuckles. "Such a needy little girl," he growls again. "Do you want me to take care of you?" 

"Yes, Ben, please," she breathes. 

A hum rumbles in Ben's throat. He unbuttons her jeans with one hand while continuing to hold her away from him. He pulls both her jeans and her panties down her legs and she steps out of them. She reaches behind her back and undoes her bra, letting it fall down her arms and off. Ben manhandles her around so her belly is pressed against the counter instead of her back. Rey's body reacts immediately to his position; it's familiar to her as it's both Ben's and her favorite. It's a sure fire way for him to get the right angle to get deep enough to hit her cervix, which is a weird fucking feeling but it makes her come harder than anything else. She bends over the sink and twists her heels out to reveal himself to him. 

"Yeah, like that," Ben growls. "Spread yourself open for me."

Rey can feel the cool air against the wetness which has spread down her thighs, "Please?" 

Ben hums and runs his thumb between her cheeks. It feels good, of course, but it's not what she wants or what she needs. She turns her head to look at him behind her and is extremely happy to find out that he has taken his shirt off. 

"You like what you see, Rey?" 

"Mmhm," she smirks at him. 

"Tell me what you want, sweetheart."

"Please fuck me, Ben." 

"Is that what you want?" 

"Yes, fuck yes."

"You're such a good girl," Ben praises, running his hand up her back to gently turn her head back to face the sink before cupping her neck. "My perfect Rey," he whispers, leaning down and pressing a kiss to the middle of her spine. 

"Yours," Rey emphasizes. 

Ben unzips his jeans and takes them off. Rey grips the edge of the counter in preparation. 

"Do I make you hard Ben?" 

"So hard, sweetheart. So turned on I think I'll lose my mind."

"I want to make you - make you crazy," Rey is almost panting with anticipation. 

"Oh you do?" Ben squeezes her right buttock. "Ah, you do," his voice is low and rumbles. 

Rey remains silent but decides right then that she's going to try to make him lose control. She can't even see him but she knows he's doing that thing with his eyes, always so intense, that she loves. It makes her feel seen, not just looked at. She pushes herself back off the counter so that her arms are straight, hands still gripping the edge of the sink, and hangs her head between her arms, arching her back to put herself completely on display to him. 

Ben clearly decides this is incentive enough to be done teasing her. He grabs her hip with one hand and presses into her, all the way until he's fully seated with his hips pressed into her butt, in one smooth motion. Rey moans at finally getting what she wants, but Ben gives her no time to get situated and immediately pulls out and thrusts back in. 

Ben always makes her lose it. He knows what buttons to push and is somehow always coming up with something new to take her even further than last time. He likes to reduce her to a blithering mess and then make her come so hard she can't string words together coherently for a while afterward. This time, she wants him to lose control. 

"You're going to make me come so hard, Ben, you always make me come so hard. Never been able to come as hard on anyone else's cock," Rey tells him, smiling down at her own toes when Ben's breath hitches and his hips break rhythm. 

"Used to pretend it was you when I was with other guys," she continues, "only way I could come at all."

Ben slams into her so hard that, if he didn't have his hands iron-gripped on her hips, she would have fallen forward and hit her head into the cabinets under the sink. "Fuck," Rey shouts, unconsciously breaking her stream of words. 

Ben growls again and Rey thinks he might be egging her on. He continues to pummel into her and Rey can only brace herself with her arms to take it, all of her focus going into continuing to complete understandable sentences. 

"I wanted it to be you, wanted you inside me, wanted you to hold me." She closes her eyes and squeezes them because a familiar hot coil is tightening in her belly and she really wants to complete this before she comes. “I should have let you fuck me at Jessika’s wedding, and at her baby shower too. I was so wet for you, just thinking about your cock, Ben. I had to go change my panties, they were fucking ruined just from  _ talking  _ to you.”

Ben swears as he comes, his hips stuttering against hers as he groans throatily. He’s never let himself come before her previously, and Rey grins broadly. Mission accomplished. 

Ben presses his face into her back. “I’m sorry,” he huffs into her spine. 

“Don’t be,” Rey wiggles her hips against him. “I told you I wanted to make you lose it.”

She can feel him smile against her skin. “Oh, you did, Rey.” He pulls out of her and turns her around to face him. He slips his hand between her legs as he kisses her gently, running his fingers over her clit and through her folds before pressing three of them into her. He groans into her open mouth.

Rey leans her head back and Ben kisses down her neck. 

“So full of my come,” he tells her, sucking at the sensitive skin below her ear. His fingers slip easily in and out of her, lubricated by the mixture. It makes a filthy squelching sound as he speeds up, tilting his hand so that his palm grinds into her clit every time he pumps out of her. 

Rey whimpers as his speed increases again, pistoning in and out of her so rapidly his hand is a blur between her legs. 

“Such a good girl for me,” Ben whispers into her ear. “Such a perfect little slut.”

Rey’s knees go weak and Ben keeps her standing by pinning her to the counter with his stomach. 

“Come on my fingers, sweetheart. Be a good girl. Don’t you want to come, Rey?”

“Yes,” Rey wines before her body tenses harshly and her cunt clenches down on his fingers as she comes. 

His breath is hot on her neck, coming in huffs. He gently rides her through it, planting soft kisses on her skin and gently stroking her walls. 

“I love you,” he tells her, kneeling in front of her and rubbing her hips with his hands. “I can’t tell you how much I love you, sweetheart. You are… everything.”

Rey runs her hands through his hair and turns his head up so she can look into his eyes.“I know,” she replies. He presses his face into her stomach and she wraps her arms around his head. She whispers, “I feel it too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I left the ending to Rey's conversation with Han vague because I changed my mind about 8 times while writing it and couldn't decide what the conclusion should be.


	8. The Wedding

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey and Ben attend Poe and Finn's wedding and take the first steps toward letting go of their resentments.

Rey is not surprised that she is invited to Finn’s and Poe’s wedding, though she is very surprised when Ben agrees to attend with her, especially considering, as both Poe and Finn work for Leia, it’s almost guaranteed that his mother will also be in attendance. Rey knows that he’s sacrificing a lot so that she doesn’t have to go to her ex-boyfriend’s wedding alone, and she is very appreciative of it. 

The two men are getting married on a Saturday night, and Ben agrees to stay in New York until Monday so that she can get together with Tallie on Sunday afternoon. He is clearly anxious about the trip, but he insists it’s because he’s worried about leaving Han and the dogs alone, so Rey gets Kaydel and Larma to invite Han over for dinner the same night as the wedding. This does very little to quell Ben’s nerves, which doesn’t surprise Rey as she knows his anxiety has nothing to do with leaving Han in the middle of August when the weather has been so nice and everyone is perfectly healthy. 

They spend the 9 hour flight to NY discussing one of Rey’s new favorite books,  _ The Name of the Wind _ , watching multiple Harry Potter movies, and maybe making out in the gallery by the bathroom. They tell the first attendant who finds them that they’re on their honeymoon, and after that the others leave them alone as long as neither of them get too handsy. They arrive in the city around 10am on Saturday and head to the hotel to get some much needed rest since they didn’t get much sleep on the plane. 

Rey wears the only dress she owns, incidentally the same green one she wore to Jessika’s wedding all those years ago. She borrowed some grey flats from Kaydel because the only shoes she owns now are practical and not formal. Ben has more fancy clothing than she does, since he has to look professional for his job at the library, but he doesn’t have a suit jacket.

“What do you think?” Rey asks, coming out of the bathroom after pulling her hair up into an elaborate twist. The weather is pretty average for a New York summer, and the hotel is heavily air conditioned, but Rey found out she liked dancing at Jess’s wedding and plans on getting sweaty. Ben has stated he will not dance with her, but she’s pretty confident she can get him to change his mind. 

“You look lovely,” Ben replies honestly. He’s standing at the large mirror next to TV wranging his dark hair into smooth waves. 

“I’ve never known how to do makeup well. Even when I worked in Midtown, I only put on eyeliner and mascara. Do you think I should do that?”

“No, you look perfect.”

“You might be a little biased,” Rey grins. 

Ben shrugs, “I’ve never thought you needed that stuff. You’re stunning no matter what.”

“Well, you’ve always been a little biased,” Rey laughs. “You look hot as fuck by the way. You should do that to your hair more often.”

Ben chuckles, “Anything for you, my love.”

Rey sighs and shakes her head, “This is going to be weird, isn’t it?”

“Between you having to see your ex, and me having to see my mother, yeah, I think it’s going to be weird, but we have each other now, and we’re happy. They can do whatever they want.”

“You’re right. Let’s have a good time.”

Ben reaches out his hand for her to take, “Join me?”

* * *

“Ben!” Jess grabs her step-brother as soon as she sees him and gives him a hug. Guests are milling about the ceremony area in the hotel ballroom. Only a few people have sat down so far. “I didn’t know you were invited! It’s so good to see you!”

“Good to see you too, Jess,” Ben smiles at her and Rey sees Jess take in the scar that cuts down the right side of his face. Rey’s so used to it now, she had forgotten that it might be shocking to others. 

Jess recovers quickly, “Rey, so glad you came!”

“Yeah, me too,” Rey gives Jess a quick hug. “Where’s the mister?”

“He wanted to come but he’s staying home with the kids. I’m so glad you too are here. I thought I wouldn’t know anyone but Leia, and I haven’t spoken to her since she and my dad separated.” 

Ben’s eyes widen, “What? They split up?”

“You didn’t know?” Jess looks astounded. “Like a few years ago now.”

“Well, I haven’t spoken to her since the trial,” Ben replies, rubbing his neck. 

“Oh,” Jess’s smile falters but only for a second. “I guess by the time you got out, then? I’m sorry I never told you. It was weird to talk about and I just assumed you knew. Plus, you’ve stopped calling me so much, you know.” 

Ben grins at her, “Well, you were always so busy, and I have Rey now.”

Jess raises her eyebrows and gives Rey a curious look, “So, when you say you ‘have Rey’?”

Rey laughs, “He has me, all of me.” Ben kisses her on the forehead to drive the point home.

Jess shrieks with joy, “That’s so awesome! Rey always had such a crush on you!”

Rey reddens and Ben chuckles, wrapping his arm around her waist, “Well, I had quite a thing for her too.”

“No way!” Jess punches his shoulder happily, “Are you serious? You barely knew each other!”

Rey gives Ben a look, he shrugs, and the three laugh, though Jess is definitely not laughing about the same thing as the other two. 

“I’m going to go to the restroom before the ceremony starts,” Rey says, handing Ben her purse. “Save me a seat?”

“Sure,” he nods. 

As Rey crosses the hall, she sees Leia enter. Rey has always liked Leia, except for the period between when Ben told Rey his story and when Han cleared it up. She watches Leia’s eyes scan the crowd of guests and fall on Jess and Ben, who are still standing where Rey left them. Jess seems to be teasing him about holding Rey’s purse, and he laughs at something sheepishly. Leia’s eyes widen, and then a strange expression crosses her face, and it takes Rey until she is heading back from the bathroom to name it; it was relief. 

Ben and Jess are sitting on Finn’s side, with Ben on the end of a row and an empty place between him and Jess. Rey sits between them and looks at Ben, learning from his eyes that he knows his mother sits a few rows behind them. She squeezes his hand. 

Music starts and the guests fall silent. Rose walks arm-in-arm down the aisle with a man Rey doesn’t know. Presumably they are the maid-of-honor and best man, and it strikes Rey as fitting that Poe’s best man is someone she’s never seen before. They’ve both moved on completely.

The guests stand, and Poe walks down the aisle next with his mother and father on either side of him. Poe’s mother had never been a big fan of Rey, wanting Poe to marry a girl with a family and higher ambitions. Rey wonders what her reaction to Poe marrying a male who works for a nonprofit was. She looks happy enough today, so whatever it was, hopefully she moved past it. 

Finn comes next with his foster parents. They are all beaming, and their happiness makes everyone in the crowd smile as well. Rey leans her head on Ben’s shoulders when they sit down. 

“How are you doing, sweetheart?” Ben whispers into the top of her head. 

Rey closes her eyes and thinks about how weird it must be for Ben to have to comfort her at her ex’s wedding. What did she do to deserve someone like him? “I’m good, Ben,” she tells him, “Really good.” She looks up at him and smiles, and he must understand because when he returns it, there’s something behind it that is more emotional than just a simple smile.

* * *

The hardest part of the evening comes when Rey checks the table listings to find out where they’re seated and sees that they are at a table with Jess and Leia. She raises her eyebrows at Ben and he just mumbles, “It’s fine,” and pulls her into the reception hall. 

Leia is already sitting at the table with Jessika when they sit down, and it’s very uncomfortable as Ben pointedly doesn’t look at his mother. 

“Nice ceremony,” Rey tries shakily. “Just long enough.” 

Jess jumps at the chance to break through the awkward situation, “I know. I went to one of Cassian’s cousin’s wedding’s last month, and I swear to God, the wedding was two hours long. I was starving by the time we got out. I should have snuck in some bread in my purse. All I had were cough drops, but I ate all of them anyway.”

Rey and Leia laugh. Ben grimaces in an attempt of joining in. 

Dinner does not go much better, with Jess and Rey keeping up the conversation. There is another couple at their table, but they mostly speak to each other. Leia tries to ask Ben a few questions, but he responds in as few syllables as possible (most often just one), and leaves Rey to fill in the rest of the answers. She can’t really bring herself to be annoyed with him. Her heart hurts knowing how uncomfortable he is. Even if his mother was trying to help him as a kid, she did some real damage and Rey knows it’s going to take more than just Rey bandaging his wounds for him to actually let it go. He has a right to feel that way. 

The wedding party makes their way around the dinner tables after they’ve finished eating. Rose gets to their table first. 

“Rey,” she says seriously, sitting down one of the chairs the other couple vacated when they left to go to the bar, “I’m so glad you came. You have no idea how much it means to Finn. He actually cried when you RSVPed.”

Rey smiles at her, “I’m glad I came too, Rose. I don’t want him to feel guilty about anything.”

“I think he does, even though you always said it was okay. Especially since you, you know, dropped everything and moved to Alaska.”

Rey is neither touching nor looking at Ben, but she knows he tenses next to her. She puts her hand on his knee. “I’ll talk to him,” she tells Rose. “Honestly, I’m happy he’s happy. I’m happy Poe is happy too. I really mean it.”

Jess is keeping up a conversation with Leia, but Rey knows both women are listening in. Rose smiles, “I’m glad you found what you were looking for.” 

“I did. I really did,” Rey squeezes Ben’s knee and feels him relax. 

“I’ll see you on the dance floor, Rey,” Rose drifts away. 

“I meant that, you know,” Rey tells Ben, turning back to look at him. “Imagine if they hadn’t fallen in love, I might be married to him right now. I’d be so unhappy, and you would be up in Nikiski alone.”

Ben glances at his mother and Jess before saying softly, “Are you saying I should be grateful that your boyfriend dumped you for your best friend?”

Rey shrugs, “Maybe that’s what Han meant, about forgiveness. I’m so happy in my life. I like who I am, and I love our life together. I am grateful that Poe called everything off. Otherwise, I might never have found my way back to you.” 

Ben sighs, “Yeah, I guess.” He glances at Jess and Leia, both of whom have stopped pretending to have a conversation and are staring at them with tears in their eyes. 

“What?” Ben asks a little gruffly. 

“You two are so cute together!” Jess gushes. 

Ben rolls his eyes but he also grins. Leia opens her mouth to say something, but at that moment, Finn and Poe arrive at their table. 

“Hey party people,” Poe says, sitting in one of the empty chairs.

Finn sits down next to Rey and she smiles at him, “Hey, Finn. Congratulations!”

“I’m really glad you could come, peanut,” he takes her hand, looking into her eyes intently. 

“Do we know each other?” Poe asks Ben, clearly trying to start a conversation with the rest of the table to give Rey and Finn some space to have a private chat. 

This does the opposite of that as Ben says, “I’m here with Rey.” Ben’s not going to forgive Poe and Finn for hurting her very easily, even if Rey is fine now and it led to them getting together. 

“Oh,” Poe tries to come up with something to say, “I thought you looked familiar.”

“He’s also my step-brother,” Jess cuts in, “or  _ was _ , I guess, before-”

_ God, could this get more awkward? _ Rey thinks. Music starts from where the DJ is set up. 

“Oh,” Poe stands, looking relieved. “It’s time for the first dance, babe.” 

“Can we talk, later?” Finn asks Rey. 

“Yes, of course,” Rey nods. The two men walk up to the front of the hall. 

“I’ve never liked him,” Ben tells Rey. “You have a terrible taste in men.”

“Are you including yourself in that?” Rey grins.

“Obviously,” Ben gives her a quick kiss.

* * *

Ben continues to refuse to dance, something that shocks Rey considering his other option is to sit in silence alone at the table with his mother while she and Jess dance. She decides he must really have something against it and stops trying to entice him into it. Jess has always been a bit of a partier, and now that she has a weekend away from her kids, she lets loose and gets pretty sloshed by the time the cake is served. Rey helps her back to the table and Leia takes over getting her to eat some and drink water. A less popular song starts and the dance floor clears a little except for a few couples swaying. 

“Want to dance?” Ben asks Rey, surprising the crap out of her. Ben chuckles at her shocked expression, “I would hate to be predictable.”

Rey smiles and lets him lead her out to the floor. “I didn’t know you hated dancing.”

“I don’t,” Ben wraps his arms around her as a male voice begins to sing. “I hate crowds.”

“Oh,” Rey nods, “Of course you do. I didn’t even consider that.”

“No worries. You looked like you were having fun.”

_ I'm living a long bad dream of sleeping alone _

_ Well, maybe, maybe when we're older, older now _

“Mmm,” Rey agrees and then tucks her head under his chin. Her arms are trapped between their chests, but it's comfortable. Ben presses his lips to her forehead as they sway in small circles. 

_ You were all talk, no teeth, sharing your flask with me, You were a pal, indeed, when I was a ghost _

_ River’s gon’ swallow me laying that fog on me, Saying you'll follow me wherever I go _

_ Oh, maybe, maybe when we're older, older now, Maybe, maybe when we're older, older, yeah _

"We just needed a bit more time," Rey says, thinking of the words of the song, and she tilts her head up so she can press her face into his neck. 

"We did," he agrees. His body and his smell envelopes her.  _ Two halves of the same whole _ , she thinks.

“Never let me go,” Rey whispers into his skin. 

“Never.”

When they go back to the table, Jess has retired to her hotel room for the night and Leia gives them a very watery smile. At Rey’s and Ben’s confused expressions, Leia explains, “You two are just so in love.”

Rey smiles awkwardly at her as she and Ben take their seats. It's just the three of them at the table now. Ben is staring at the cake in front of him as if it's the most interesting thing in the world. For some reason, Rey feels like right now is a good time to leave the two of them alone. It's almost like she can hear Han telling her to do it. 

"I'm going to go find Finn, if that's okay," she tells Ben, and slips away after he nods. 

Finn and Poe are standing at the bar, laughing with a group of guests, but step away from them as they see Rey approach. 

“Is now a good time?” she asks. 

“Of course,” Finn replies, nodding. “I just want to say-”

“No, hold on Finn. I want to go first,” Rey cuts in, looking between Poe and Finn. They both look anxious, as if they’re unsure whether or not she’s about to start yelling at them. “What you did, it did hurt me, because I never really thought anyone would want me.”

Poe opens his mouth to say something, but Rey raises her hand to stop him.

“But,” she continues, “I’m grateful that you did it, Poe. I was holding on to our relationship because I thought you were the only person who could ever love me romantically. I thought it was my only chance, and even though I wasn’t happy, I held on. If you hadn’t called it off, I might never have realized how happy I could be with someone who really, truly wanted me.”

There are tears in Poe’s eyes when he says, “Rey, I wanted to love you romantically, I did-”

“I know,” she nods. “I understand, and even though it sucked at the time, I’m so glad you fell in love with Finn, because I’m so happy now. I love Ben so much, and he makes me so happy. I’m really glad you two make each other so happy; I truly am.”

Finn is crying freely. “I thought I lost you as my friend. I never wanted to lose you, Rey. I love you so much.”

“I love you too, Finn.” 

They pull her into a tight hug, all breathing heavily as the tension and the emotion between them releases cathartically. 

Rey smiles as she pulls away, “Do you want to dance?”

The men return her smile brightly. Poe says, “Let’s go.”

* * *

Ben watches Rey walk across the hall to where Finn and Poe are standing at the bar. Rey talks for a while, her hands moving a lot. Finn is crying; Poe might be too, though Ben isn't sure. The two men pull her into a three-person hug, arms wrapped tight around each other, Rey's head tucked over Finn's shoulder. She motions at the dance floor and the couple nod before the group makes their way over and begins dancing together. Rey is smiling brightly, shining like a fiery beacon. Life without Rey was grey-scale. She bleeds life and color into the world around her. He can't believe she lets him anywhere near her. 

Ben watches her dancing, free from all the resentment she's carried for so long.  _ 'Feels good not to carry so much, doesn't it? Especially when you don't need it and it's heavy.' _ That's what his father had said. Ben turns and looks at his mother, listlessly toying with the piece of cake in front of her. She could have gone to bed by now, no one would blame her, but he knows she's holding out for him. 

_ 'Look at it' _ , he can hear Rey say.  _ 'Look at the damage and the hurt and decide that it's something you  _ witnessed _ , not something you  _ are _. It doesn't define us. We define who we are.' _

"I was sorry to hear about you and Dan," Ben says. It's the only thing that he can think of to say. 

Leia's eyes shoot up from her plate to lock onto his. They're bright, always so full of hope. Her tone tells him she doesn't quite believe he's speaking to her, although her words are, "Thank you. Although, you know our relationship was always at least 95% business."

Ben nods, "Rey says the company is going strong, though she only assumes that because Finn works there I think." Business is easy; he can talk about business, but Leia has other ideas. 

"It's going well. She's a sweet girl. I've always liked her. I'm glad you two are together."

Ben doesn't mean to, really he doesn't because he's trying to do this whole letting go and moving on thing, but he huffs disbelievingly. 

"I am, Ben," Leia insists. "I won't lie to you and tell you that when I saw you with her earlier I didn't have certain… concerns, but it's clear you two are very much in love and it's nice to see you so happy. I almost forgot what it looked like to see you happy, and you clearly make her happy as well. I was shocked when I heard about what happened between Poe and her, but she's moved on and found a better life than the one she might have had."

Ben nods, finding nothing to argue with what his mother just said. After thinking a moment, slowly as if trying to find the precise words for each sentence, he says, "She saved me… in many ways. I was in love with her before I joined Snoke, and when things got bad I would think of her. I didn't deserve her, and she had no idea what I was capable of, but when I saw her, she always believed the best in me. When things got _really_ bad, I just thought that I wanted her to be in a world where that stuff didn't happen, so I worked to bring Snoke down. Even after, in prison and when I got out, I thought I'd never see her again, but I still wanted to be better, for her to live in a world where people fought to be better."

Ben looks into Leia's eyes and she looks at him as if she's never seen him before. Finally she says, "I'm so sorry, Ben. I- I know I made many mistakes, and I'm so sorry that I hurt you. I wanted to save you, but everything I did-" her voice breaks and she stops, but Ben knows how that sentence finished.  _ Everything I did made it worse.  _

An upbeat song blares from the dance floor, contrasting violently to their tender moment and making both of them jump. 

"Do you want," Ben begins to ask, stops, and then starts again, "do you want to go upstairs and talk? It'll be quieter."

Leia's eyes widen as if Ben's just presented her with a gift she's yearned for her whole life. "I would love that, Ben."

He nods, "Let me just tell Rey I'm leaving and I'll meet you in the lobby in 5."

Leia agrees and begins gathering her things. Her expression is still one of thinking her current situation must not be real. Rey is still dancing with the happy couple, so Ben fights his way through the crowd to reach her. 

"I'm going upstairs, if you're okay with that," he yells over the pumping beats. 

"Oh, yeah," Rey yells back. "I probably won't be too far behind you."

Ben smiles, "Don't worry about me. It looks like you're having fun. Stay as long as you want."

Rey leans over and kisses him quickly, "I love you, you know."

"Yes, I know."

Rey laughs, "Good. I'll see you soon, mon chéri." 

"Be safe."

"I will!" 

Ben grins as he makes his way back out of the crowd, out of the ballroom, and into the lobby to meet his mother.

* * *

Rey dances with Finn, Poe, Rose, and Snap (the best man), until the DJ's time is up and the hotel workers are starting to take down the tables. All of them, even Snap, keep telling her how overjoyed they are that she not only came to the wedding, but is genuinely happy that they got married at all. 

"The honeymoon suite awaits," Poe sings happily as he and Finn board the elevator. Poe has insisted they take the first available one by themselves. Rose rolls her eyes at the other two and the three remaining laugh. 

Rey gets off at her floor, happy that she didn't get any more than tipsy, and even that has worn off now, so she can find her room and her room key no problem. She pushes open the door and is very surprised to find all the lights still on. 

Ben is laying on the bed, still fully clothed, staring at the ceiling. "Hey," he says. 

"Hey, I thought you’d be asleep.”

“I had a lot to think about. I talked with my mom.”

"Ben! That's great!" Rey cries joyfully. "That's so great. I'm so glad you talked to her."

"Yeah," he runs a hand through his hair and then sits up. "Me too, actually. I saw you talking with those guys and I thought 'wouldn't it be nice if I could let go?'" 

Rey kneels on the bed and wraps her arms around his chest, nuzzling her face into his neck. He cradles her against him gently. 

"Ben, I'm so proud of you!" 

He stiffens and Rey, surprised, leans back to look at his face. 

"Sorry," he says, shaking his head. "It's just… It's just been awhile since someone said that to me."

"I  _ am _ proud of you," Rey reiterates. "I'm so proud to be yours, and I’m proud that you are mine."

Ben smiles at her the way she loves, the full one where his dimples show and his eyes crinkle. “We’re going to get dinner tomorrow while you’re out with Tallie, if that’s alright.”

"Of course, that’s so great, Ben… I have something for you!" Rey blurts without thinking. 

"For me?" Ben's brow furrows. 

"I do!" Rey nods, deciding to go with her instincts. She stands and rummages through her duffle bag. When she finds what she's looking for, tucked into one of the pockets where it's always been safe, she hands it to him. 

It's a worn book, maybe once purple but faded now. The cover is folded and the pages are uneven. Ben stares at it and holds it as if it's a precious jewel. It’s the copy of  _ To Kill a Mockingbird _ he gave her at Jessika’s wedding, the copy that once belonged to Leia, the first book he ever lent her. 

"You still have this?" 

"Of course. You gave it to me to remember you by, don't you remember?" 

"Yes, I - I remember," Ben's face is blank as if he's absolutely stunned. 

"Maybe you could give it back to her. I think it would mean a lot."

"I-" his words get stuck in his throat. 

"I don't need anything to remember you by anymore," Rey fills in. "Plus, you have a copy at home. We have our own personal library upstairs. It means a lot to me. It's what brought us together, but maybe it can help you and your mom find some common ground, something to build on."

Ben closes his eyes. 

"Ben," Rey says tenderly. "I didn't mean to upset you. I can keep it if you don't-" 

Rapidly, Ben sets the book on the bed and pulls Rey into his arms, wrapping her so tight that her breath huffs out a little, but she's not about to complain. 

"I don't," Ben whispers, his voice shaky, "I don't know how to tell you - I don't know the words, I love you so much. It just seems so inadequate, those words."

"Yes," Rey whispers back. "I know. I understand. I wish I could tell you how much you mean to me, Ben. You are," she leans back and smiles at him, "everything, a part of my soul."

It's so cheesy, so cliche, but Ben stares earnestly into her eyes, nods, and says, "Two that are one." 

"Always."

"Always."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song Ben and Rey dance to is Older by Doc Robinson. 
> 
> Thank you so much for reading!


End file.
